Open the communication gates, flood the mind.

A lot of things have changed since I spent 4 days of minimum contact and not seeing Tomas.

He promised to take down the dress by Wednesday, yesterday, and I would not come back until it was gone.

Yesterday we had a long, serious talk, which I'm not sharing for the moment being as I have not yet found a way to put it into a coherent story, or figured out my stand in it.

As he's trying to figure out himself, I'm trying to figure things out for myself, and we're trying to figure out our relationship, I think things never have been harder emotionally, especially on me, having a mind that wanders more than I can sometimes handle. Not much of our talk had to do with the actual dress or the emotions involved with that, because those seemed trivial to other issues on Tomas' behalf.

The communication gates have opened and most of it doesn't exactly give reasons to celebrate, but we are communicating and trying to figure out things from here.

And on an absolutely positive note, if there is one thing that does give a reason to celebrate, the dress as of yesterday has gone. I can walk upstairs again free of ghosts.

A wolf in sheep's clothing

Tomas was in a bad and distant mood all of Saturday.

The week had gone by, the dress was still there, and although technically he still had Sunday to take care of it, I knew it wasn't going to happen.

I'd been at the top of my nerves all week, having several breakdowns over unrelated issues that became magnified by the continued presence of the dress. I showed a side of mine that I usually try to supress as much as I can, the clingy, needy and insecure side of me. Again, intensified.

Friday I was distant and even a little apathic (on the surface!) to him. He actually came around and gave me some of his rare spontaneous cuddles and honest affection. He didn't connect the dots though.

I was thinking of drawing my conclusions on Sunday, at the official week's passing. But his attitude towards me on Saturday made me not be able to hold it any longer. I had given him many signs and nudges towards my need for affection, and he had just ignored them, even getting snappy about stupid things.

OK, a bad mood happens to everyone, it's not something I would normally make a big deal about if it was just a one day thing. But when we were watching TV, I explicitly asked for a hug, and when he bluntly denied it to me, saying he didn't feel like it at all, my stomach turned and twisted, and I stared at him open-mouthedly. No reaction.

I sat down again, not grasping what had just happened. Another 30 minutes passed while the knot in my stomach had grown to such a size that I was surprised it didn't show on the outside. I cuddled up against him and asked him to hug me (last chance..), and this time he hugged me tight. Feeling he wasn't careless towards me, I broke down crying because I knew this would be the best moment to ask him about the dress and make a decision.

He was a bit surprised, and asked why I was crying. I asked him what he remembered of our talk last week. He said "we talked about many things..", and I replied in disbelief "are you serious?", and he replied carelessly "oh, you mean the doll?" I said "Yes (the life-like mannequin wearing the dress, yes.)"

"Why haven't you taken it down yet?" I asked.

Credits go to Kym Howard

"I haven't thought about it much, actually." and when he felt my posture stiffen he added "..and when I did think about it, it was at night (duh, you pass by it when we go to bed) and I had forgotten by the morning. Too much stuff going on this week and I didn't get around to it"

"If you would've wanted to you could've made some time for taking it down"

He shrugged and nodded.

"You know how much it meant to me..."

Silence.

I got up and said I was going home. I couldn't deal with it, whatever excuse he had, if he wanted to do it he would've done it. I told him that I couldn't be around waiting any longer, I trusted him when he set the deadline for himself and I wasn't going to sit around waiting for the next deadline, having to cross that thing every day.

I went upstairs to get my things. If my eyes could've beamed fire, I'd stared that dress into flames. I thought that having brought up the issue would result in actions that were going to make our relationship improve, for him as well as for me. Now, it had become a wolf in sheep's clothing and it was about to devour me.

But then again, it wasn't Tereza's fault. I bet she would've taken down the dress if she could. The dress had mentally moved to the background in my mind, and his attitude had become the issue. As I was thinking this, I got really sad and angry at the same time, because he hadn't moved from the couch either, so he was either not thinking I was serious, or he didn't care.

When I came downstairs with my stuff, I put them on the kitchen table. And that's when he came and stood in the doorway. He had this really innocent, surprised look, like he actually didn't know what on earth was going on. He cared, but it made me be more determined.

As I was gathering more things he asked a bit uncertain whether I was taking all my stuff with me.

I said "no, because I'm hoping to come back soon. I want to be with you. But this is a boundary I've set for myself that I need to respect in order to not go crazy while being here. I need to have a break from it, I can't deal anymore with the emotional drain"

"I want to be with you too" he said.

I kept gathering things, tears rolling from my face. I was moved by the sincerity of his tone, and I looked at him.

"Then you know what to do" I replied firmly.

He smirked.

"So what, you think this is funny or what?"

"No, not at all" he said, followed by explaining he was surprised, and had no clue how to act or what to say. He was just standing there helplessly like a child who'd been told off for something he didn't realise was wrong.

That's when I knew my actions were having their effect. He had never expected me to actually go through with leaving, and he never fully understood the importance of getting rid of the dress. It was finally dawning on him.

He came to wipe my tears.

He said he would call his mom on Monday (they were gone for the weekend) to pick up the dress on Wednesday, which is when she comes to pick up Nala too.

I said if he wanted to get it done earlier, he could just do it himself. But he'd rather have someone take care of it that knows how, he said he'd probably break it or something.

I smiled.

He said, also smiling, "so I'll be seeing you tomorrow?"

"Will the dress be gone?" I asked, cutting off the smile.

"Well no.. Not yet"

"Then be sure to let me know when it's gone"

I added that he could always come to see me at my place, but he reiterated that would be difficult with Nala and her bedtimes and going to school etc. And four days wasn't an eternity. I shrugged. He said "I'll be in touch though."

Four consecutive nights apart in a row. We've not spent more than one consecutive night apart since... I can't remember how long. At least 5 months. It will be tough, mostly on me, because I'm not used to being by myself, whereas he's spent most of his time since Tereza's passing by himself. I'm glad I have my dog to rely on, and hopefully put a halt to my mind when it goes wandering again.

Right before leaving, he held me by my waist and hugged me.

He asked if I would be OK being by myself, whether I wouldn't worry even more and feel more sad. I said I'd probably worry just as much, and perhaps feel more sad, but while staying another night might make me feel better for a bit, I also felt my anxiety would return tenfold if I didn't take some time for myself while he made things right. There was nothing for me left to do at his' for the moment being.

He looked into my eyes for a while, wiped my tears again and kissed me very gently on the mouth. He said not to worry too much, that I would be able to come back soon, and then followed by saying those magic four words I have been begging to hear spontaneously from him for months now: ik zie je graag.

A small, bittersweet step

Shortly after my last post ("The" wedding dress), things started outgrowing me. I've been reading and talking about it, and I feel I couldn't keep it in any longer: the presence of the wedding dress had become too much to take.

So I brought it up to him.

I tried the practical approach, saying that within a few years of the dress being there, it will be damaged beyond repair, and he needed to conserve it if it means that much to him, and if he wanted his daughter to be able to perhaps wear it one day.

Turns out he's actually not saving it for his daughter, he said she'd probably never grow attached to it emotionally and he couldn't see her wanting to wear it for her wedding day. He's keeping it put because he doesn't want to take it down, he likes it there.

Then I said, in a honest but loving way, it was bothering me and making me feel like the past was still very much present.

I also said that to me, the dress seemed like a physical barrier reinforcing his psychological barrier of not wanting anyone to be in that top-notch spot in his heart, and that it was a kind of "in my face" with regards to him being unsure he'd ever marry again.

I was crying by then. He said there was no need to cry, and that he didn't understand how it bothered me that much. "It has nothing to do with you" he said. He has never as much as thought of taking it down, and for the moment being he wouldn't do it.

That evolved into us talking about marriage and children again. He said there was still that "extra" something missing from our relationship. He knows how far my feelings for him have grown, and says he is not quite there yet.

He said he's very aware of my desire to get married, and to have children also. And that he also knows I have come to see him as a man I would go down that road with. Because of this, he sometimes feels like he's leading me on, but at other times he feels like it could really work out.

He's always said he'd do those things again with the right person, if everything feels right. But we're missing a component here that makes him fear we might have to end it at one point because he needs to be all-in to do those things, and I won't settle for less either.

I was feeling sad, but also very strong on letting him know that I was willing to be patient and understanding, but the moment things stop moving forward and I have to put his feelings before mine, I would end it.

So I said, without sugarcoating it, that in my opinion, that "component" missing still, was the past still occupying part of his present (I could make this into a linguistic issue again, but I'm not going to!) I bluntly said he had not let go, and therefore there wasn't any room for me. And however slow that process may be, if I don't get the feeling he's willing to go through it and work on it, I am not going to be the one fighting his past. I don't want to feel like I'm "the other woman", because I've been there and done that and if there's anything I learned from my mistakes it was to never go there again.

Tereza's feelings wouldn't be hurt by removing the dress and the pictures (which I added to the discussion, while we were at it), because she's gone. But if they weren't removed even when explicitly stating it as something that hurt me more and more, I would know he isn't ready yet to move on with me, so I'd have to step away. I rephrased that to him as saying "I'd have to reevaluate our relationship".

He concurred that he may not be ready. That he probably hasn't let go yet, and wasn't ready to think of another woman occupying "that" first place. His emotions aren't ready for moving on in the whole sense of the word (i.e. starting a future all-in, not like the past was never there, but like the present is to be his future). And he also admitted marriage and children were not yet on his mind.

It definitely was tough hearing this. It's nothing new but I had expected him to be more understanding of this particular issue I had with the dress. To get into all the rest of insecurities wasn't helping either.

We sat there, at his kitchen table, opposite to one another. As I explained more why the dress bothered me, and reiterated that I'm not going to through "being second" again, he brought up the things he had changed for me, and the parts he has put a conscious effort in improving (for example, trying to anticipate more on my need for cuddling.) He also stated that he knows I'm not fully letting myself dive into this because of him holding back, and that if he would open up we could be each other's "everything". He said he wanted to but, again, wasn't there yet.

And then I heard him say something that made my tears flow even more, for various reasons. He was rather talking to himself and reflecting than directing it towards me when he said:

"However, if we were to give up on it altogether and end this, I think I would forever regret doing so, for letting you go."

He didn't know, that however different both of our perspectives are on this, I feel the exact same way. Sharing that thought made me pull up my knees to my chest on that chair in his kitchen, and I wept like a baby while I was trying to say anything to what really was a rhetoric comment.

That's when he got up, came to stand next to me, opened his arms and said "come, let me hug you". I was feeling so torn that I shook my head, and hugged my knees instead. If he wasn't willing to make this "sacrifice" for me and take down the dress, he wouldn't have to try to appease me with smaller gestures of love he knows I like.

He stood there, still open-armed, and by the look of his face he was genuinely wanting to hug me, not just because I was in desperate need of one. He gently took my elbow and pulled it towards him.

I got up, and he grabbed me tight. I let the tears flow freely in his neck, and I felt almost like it would be our last comforting hug.

He was stroking my back and kissed my hair when he said softly "If it really causes you that much pain to have the dress there, I will take it down this week"

I didn't know what to respond, so I just kept crying, for different reasons now. After a while I lifted my head from his neck and said "But I thought... Are you serious, you'll do that for me?" It may sound more enthusiastic on paper, but my tone of voice was "surprise", with a hint of disbelief.

He looked at me and said "Yes, I'll do that for you". And then he quickly dropped the romanticisms and became his uplifting self when he said "well don't ask me when or how, and don't go asking me about it every day, but I'll get it done, I promise." Added by a joking "don't you pass a dry cleaner's on your way to work?"

I sat down again, wiped my tears, and said that I wasn't going to touch that dress. Even though Tereza can't feel anymore, to me that would be disrespectful. Also, and I didn't say this out loud, I want him to do it. Follow through with his promise to me, perhaps do a little soul-searching and grieving while at it. Give the dress a place in his attic (boxed up please!), and Tereza a less prominent place in his heart.

He said he'd probably ask his mom to take it to the dry cleaner's, because he has a busy week ahead. All fine by me, but by Saturday next week, if that dress isn't gone, I will have to start to "reevaluate our relationship".

And while he was thinking his mom would be best for the job, he said he'd ask a friend of Tereza's to clean out "the picture cabinet". It's where she had kept all the photos (actually developed on paper), albums, cards, etc. I discovered it by accident, and he never goes through it but he said it would be time that gets cleaned out as well.

He did add he wanted something special to be made of it, like an album or a collage for Nala, but even though I wanted to shout "no more shrines", I let it slide. He did name a couple of people fit for the job, and actually "discarded" some of them (like her best friend ever) on the grounds of "being too emotional" or "still too attached to Tereza". Practical as he is, he wants to get the job done without too much sentimentality.

Some pictures that are on display he doesn't even want to argue about, they're staying up (one on his laptop-background, and a black and white one of Tereza and Nala as a baby, on an easel), but the wedding picture, a wedding-gift canvas with well-wishings and a big picture of them kissing in the middle, and a few more he said could go. I hope he does that himself.

For now, I'm again hopeful. But there are short-term conditions that need to be fulfilled, or the long-term conditions won't even be worth worrying about. Once the dress is gone, I can get back to worrying about those, as he reopened that box of Pandora.

But I hope that making this sacrifice for me will make him close a bit of the box of Tereza.

My dog Lola on the beach, watching the sun set. It's a routine that all of us have become used to and perhaps appreciate less than we should, because how wonderful isn't it that everytime the sun sets, we know it will rise again the very next day?

"The" wedding dress

Tereza had the most beautiful wedding dress.

It's fairy- and princess-like but it's far from being over the top or too sugary. It's actually quite plain, a full  skirt with little details but no tail, and a corset attached to it that's romantically semi-transparent at the back. It has fine lace-flower details, that have little shiny stones on them and are placed in a way that they kind of whirl upwards toward the neckline, where they form a really fine, nice necklace.

Hard to imagine just by my description, I figure, but I would feel a bit guilty posting a picture to share with the world. Let's leave it at that it's a stylish, romantic dress, the kind I would wear too.

Tomas loves it too. So much that it's put on display on a mannequin at the staircase of the second floor of his house, shoes placed underneath and everything. Whether he placed it there or she did, I never asked, it's just there.

The first few times I slept over, to get up and pee at night was an eerie business. You have to pass by the mannequin when going from his room to the bathroom. In the dark, the white of the dress kind of glows in the dark, especially when there's moonlight coming in from outside. Not to mention a mannequin has a humanoid shape, so still drowsy from sleep my mind would have a hard time assimilating the reality of that "thing" in the corner.

Now, 6 months later, it's still there and I've gotten used to it being there. I sometimes stop to look at it, thinking it could use a trip to the dry-cleaner's as it's gotten greyish on the lace-details, and a bit dusty. When I vacuumed his house during the past holidays (he never does it and I suspect his cleaning lady often skips the "unused" corners - what man would ever notice, right?) I even lifted the skirt and the shoes to make sure all the dust and cobwebs building up underneath were gone, because I felt like no one ever did that. I've come to respect the dress like I respect Tereza, but its physical presence is also a constant reminder of her being present there once. Particularly on that day she wore it.

Tomas sees it differently. When I asked him once about whether he ever thought of moving it, he said he had, but thought it was too beautiful to put in a box. He doesn't ever stop to look at it anymore, it's become part of the house like a painting on the wall, but he does want his daughter to be able to see it. Upon that I suggested he then put it in her room, out of direct direct sight in a "common area" like the staircase and the passage way at his second floor but far from being hidden in a box. He waved away that idea. Maybe a child's room isn't fit for the deceased mother's dress, but the staircase and passage way I tread almost every night and morning is...?

We haven't gone back to discussing the dress being there, and although back then I felt like we were discussing the presence of the dress, now there are moments when I think we might have been discussing another presence. But that's just thinking in hindsight and I may be off.

When seeing pictures of their wedding day, both of them looked radiant and gorgeous. I see him on those and I think I would've fallen in love at first sight (given, he was 6 years younger than he is now, but you catch my drift.) She looks beautiful, and the dress look enchanting on her. In mint condition, too.

We were watching this American TV show where girls go on their hunt for the perfect wedding dress according to their bodies and size. I had ordered my dress for Newyear's Eve online, and I was describing it to Tomas. He said it sounded lovely, I would look nice in it. Upon seeing some of the dresses on TV he started talking about Tereza's wedding dress, telling she described it to him after she had tried it on in the store and he thought "oh god, it's going to be one of those over-the-top dresses" and he thought he wouldn't like it. Until he saw it. He found it to be the most original and most beautiful wedding dress ever.

And then he said: "you know, it actually would look really good on you too." I laughed, not really knowing how to react, and said it probably would, honestly but also lightly adding I liked it, I could even have bought it myself.

He then followed by saying: "you should try it on someday. Just for fun, to see if it fits and what you look like in it"

I didn't see THAT coming. What am I supposed to say to that? He was talking lightheartedly, but not as a joke. He actually saw some fun in me trying it on. I felt differently. Taking down or even moving that dress was one bridge too far, but his girlfriend trying on the actual dress his deceased wife wore on their wedding day was completely fine, even fun?

I must be honest and say I was truly tempted. On one hand I was curious to see how it would look on me. I had never tried on anything even close to a wedding dress, and I bet it gives a special feel. On the other hand, there would be a whole other creepy feel to it that I wasn't sure how to deal with. Either way I felt a bit honoured, sort of a like it was guilty pleasure that was granted to only me.

And then there was another aspect that made me think and rethink the idea of wearing her dress. What if he sees me in it, and while wearing it changes his mind and feel like he was disrespecting her (and me, being in the dress, his accomplice)? Or, going the other way, he sees me in it and suddenly makes a click in his head that I may one day be his beautiful bride?

OK, too many emotions and "what if's", so I decided not to wear it. For now. I may change my mind.


Ironically, some other time when I was looking for a dress to wear for a dinner with his family we were talking about a special dress they had bought for her while on vacation in Brasil. Nothing extraordinary, just a very pretty and original dress that you could wear on more festive occasions. I never saw it, because it's in one of the boxes he keeps in the attic, containing her clothes. But it came up that day and he said I would look amazing in it.

I said "oh well then perhaps I should try it on?", not entirely serious about it but hey, I was curious and it wasn't a wedding dress.

He looked at me for a bit, frowned and then shook his head "Ahm.. No. That would just be weird. You wearing the clothes she wore, it would feel wrong"

I reminded him of the wedding dress, that he wouldn't have minded that, even better, he came up with the idea himself.

"Yeah, but that's different" he said.

No more, no less. I am unable to understand his reasoning. Their vacation to Brasil was memorable, and very special and fun, and a dress might be a great memory of that, but for it to have more value than her wedding dress that is a symbol of their marriage and their wedding day? That's beyond me.

I remain baffled thinking about it, and truly have no idea what to make of it or how to feel towards it all, his suggestion to try on the wedding dress or his reaction when I suggested to try on the Brasil-bought dress. I may still try on the wedding dress, possibly only to see how he will react. Possibly to see how I would look in a wedding dress, or so he can see what I look like in one. Maybe better even, a different one?

But that's borderline my questions about marriage, which I will address in a different post.

To like, to love, and the in between : a matter of emotional linguistics

In Spain I did my university in Spanish philology, which is a fancy name for the study of the literature and linguistics of the Spanish language. Still my favorite, and besides still dreaming in that language every once in a while, I find myself unable to express certain things in any other language besides Spanish.

I could pass for a native in Spanish, as well as in English, however, my native tongue is Flemish (aka Dutch). A complicated Germanic language with many quirks and archaic remnants (especially in the spelling-area), I have yet to meet someone who isn't a native that speaks it perfectly. It is this language that now provides me with a concept that can neither be translated into Spanish or English.

"Graag zien" is a verb that identifies a feeling in between friendship and love. It's more than just "to like" someone, but it's not yet "to love" in the romantic sense of the word. You can "graag zien" someone like your sister, your best friend or your dog, but in those cases it's used interchangeably with "to love", and using either of them doesn't create any awkwardness because everyone involved knows it's not in the romantic sense of the word but both words acknowledge how dear the "direct objects" are to the person using the verb.

In romantic relationships it's a bit different. Unlike in English, where "love" is thrown around even to describe a pair of shoes, in Dutch "houden van" (to love) someone is weighty and serious. Saying it implies a load of commitment and devotion, it requires courage and is usually well thought through before being uttered. Responding to it affirmatively can mean the world to the other partner. We even use the English phrase "I love you" in Dutch just because it feels less packed with emotion and doesn't put as much pressure on the other person.

I've only said I love you (with the Dutch meaning behind, not the often too light-hearted English version) to one person in my life, to the Spanish guy I was with for 7 years. Even towards my parents I feel more comfortable using "graag zien" because, well, it implies less.

A different area in linguistics: syntax. Nothing to do with my emotions -I actually kind of resented the subject-, but a nice syntactic tree in English breaks down the Spanish "te amo" (which basically nobody uses, it's like "I love you" times ten, "I adore you" in a very thick way - nobody in Spain pertaining to my generation takes that phrase seriously). I thought it would fit this post though.

Tomas doesn't love me. He ziet me graag. A lot, he says. But he hasn't fallen in love, something that usually leads to "loving" someone. It all comes down to semantics, as every word's is backed by a conventional meaning in society, but whereas some people don't pay attention to the subtle nuances it can mean a world of difference to others who do. Both Tomas and I are very aware of the meaning of all these words and what they convey at expressing them.

I've kept "love" at a distance since we started dating, mainly due to past experiences when I gave everything for love and it backfired big time. When Tomas would pick up on the boundaries I set for myself at the beginning, he told me I could trust him and should let go of my fears, and let in whatever feelings would come around as he had no intentions of hurting me and wanted me to be able to be myself.

So I let go, eventually, because I wanted to love again and be loved. I didn't madly fall in love, but it's more than "graag zien". It surely could evolve to even a lot more, but I've started pressing the break on my feelings every once in a while, only because he himself hasn't opened up yet. There's a nagging voice at the back of my head that keeps saying "what if he won't ever fall in love again and I'm just wasting my time". He doesn't know whether he will. He wants to, and everything feels right except for "something" that's still missing, he says.

What is that "something"? Is it the fact that I am not, and won't ever be Tereza? Is it perhaps a switch in his head that acts like a green light, a mind-set that he has to let go of in order to move on and knowing it's ok to do so? I can't figure it out, and neither can he.

In general he's not a sentimental person, he has his own way of grieving that I can't identify nor recognise, leave alone anticipate. He has a warm personality but emotionally often comes over as cold and distant. As I said in my previous post (Save the date), he has emotionally shut himself off. He's always said he's ready to move on, he gets full support from his family and friends who are all thrilled that he is "opening up" again to someone (or that's how it seems to them) and has found love.

But lately he has been doubting that, and I have too along with him. He is getting worried because he feels like he should by now, going on 6 months, feel different from what he actually feels. He has had moments where he expressed his worries, his impatience and his uncertainty. I've tried telling him it's impossible to feel the way he felt when he met Tereza, he's 10 years older now and has gone through a lot. It just won't be the same, with anyone for that matter, but if he opens up completely it might be as good, just in a different way. And that's when his reaction (or rather, lack thereof) makes me think he might not yet be ready.

But we have come this far, I am by no means willing to give up, and neither is he. I am at the threshold of his locked up feelings, farther than anyone besides his late wife has ever gotten, and I cherish him too much and hope time will do the rest. On the upside, he says the feelings he has towards me compare to those he had for Tereza 5 years into their relationship, a sort of established love that won't go away easily. But that's not enough to settle for either, even if I say so myself.

Can I unlock his feelings? Can I get to the core of his emotions, and moreover, will he let me go there? Or will I be hurt in the process? It's like a coin on it's side, it can go either way. Sometimes it's slanted more to one side, sometimes more to the other side, and however much I want to rush I can't.

I'm trying not to think too much about the linguistics of it all. I tend to overanalyse everything he (or anyone for that matter) says, based on the meaning of his words, but I'm trying hard not to. Besides creating uncertainty, it doesn't get me anywhere.

Save the date

Today exactly 3 years ago, Tomas' wife Tereza came home from a shopping trip with a friend. Her husband had stayed home, flooded with work, she had taken their 3-month old with her. After she had put down the baby, Tereza fell to the floor, unable to catch her breath.

What followed was a 911 call, instructions for giving CPR during the next 30 minutes until the ambulance arrived, and a trip to the hospital where all friends and family passed by in the course of three days, until finally, upon the announcement that all brain activity had seized, Tomas and his wife's parents gave permission to turn off all the machines that kept her among the living. She was buried a few days later.

I was planning on starting off easy on this blog, looking back on 5 months of being in a relationship with Tomas, sharing the feelings and experiences I lived while getting the blog up to date. No pressure, we're having our ups and downs but why hurry, there's enough time to tell everything. But then I realised I have to adress this issue now, today, the only relevant day in a year's time to do so.

It just so happens that from the start of December on, it is the most hectic season in Tomas' business. It's a race against time and neverending problem-solving. Papers lie around the house shouting for his attention, a mechanical failure can mean an utter disaster for the schedule, his cell phone needs charging every night from the continuous phone calls (OK, he charges it every night anyway, but that's not the point), workers start to take off for the holidays, etc.

Less coincidential is the fact that there's a turning point in December, a previously fixed date where the business stops its regular activities and goes in overdrive into a transition period till the end of January, in the way I described above. This turning point is a date most companies in his sector have set at the beginning of December. He has set it on today, December 18th, for the past three years already. I've never asked him about whether it's coincidence or not, I assume it rather isn't.

Since the beginning of December, he has stopped sending me textmessages during the day to see how I'm doing, if I slept well, how my day's going, or what my plans are for when I get out of work. When I send something (which I do every day if I don't hear from him), it either goes without response, or gets a short reply some time later saying he's busy. And then I don't hear from him until hours later, after he's put his daughter to bed.

This all fits in with what a busy period in a business might bring about, and in no way do I blame him for it. He's very driven at what he does and I admire him greatly for what he's done, what he's achieved, and what he continues to build. I will address this in a post later on, because work is with him day and night (and I mean that literally, he often gets up in the middle of the night to attend to an urgent problem), yet he finds time to be a caring father for his daughter. And he used to find time to be a husband too.

A picture my dad took while we were living in Poland. The 1st of November was a date to save, as huge amounts of people would go visit their loved ones, at some of the eeriest yet most beautiful graveyards I've ever seen.

He admits one of the biggest ways of getting through the initial emotional desolation his wife's passing brought about was devoting himself to his business and his child. Perhaps 'getting through' is not the right term. He rather avoided it by keeping steady on his goals in life, to raise a child and a business, and that has kept his mind from wandering off.

In addition to maintaining a very sharp focus in life, he has shut off emotionally. He has created a wall of apathy, that only his daughter can break through. If his emotions were to be a graph, it would be a straight line. He is content and optimistic about almost everything, but he is unable to feel emotional highs or lows. Another way of coping, he admits, another way of keeping his mind in place. That's against nature and prevents a natural healing process, some would say, yet a very effective survival technique, others might argue. I would agree to both I think, but I only know for sure: that wall is so darn hard to break through...

Recent developments and heart-breaking conversations (a few weeks ago) with him have taught me he perhaps is not ready to move on yet. He didn't know this himself before we started dating, as he's had a couple of relationships before me (both didn't survive the three-month threshold, as he lost interest and he only felt apathy towards them) and this time he says it's different. In me he sees an ideal partner for sharing the rest of his life with, after 5 months I still make him feel things that resemble love, and he definitely doesn't want to lose me. But he feels there's something missing, which he can only explain by saying that he might not be ready to open up.

What I'm getting at by telling all this, and which I didn't realize at the time: his sudden epiphanies on how he feels about our relationship and his lack lately to give me the affectuous attention he used to, are more than likely related to the fact that today's date and the holiday-season as a whole just takes him back three years ago. And in his mind nor in his heart is there room for anyone else during those flashbacks that come and go, and have done so since December has started. Or at least I think.

Is it the business giving him such a hard time? Is it the date, the emotions and nostalgia provoked by this period of the year? A combination of both, I guess. But that's all I can do, guess. He is in no mood for having profound conversations these days, which is (and I'm pretty sure of that) caused by work-related stress.

Two months into our relationship, we went to a bar in the centre of Mechlin, to celebrate his sister's birthday. It was only on our way back to the car, some hours past midnight and some beers later, that he showed me the beautiful place where him and Tereza had their wedding celebration 5 years ago. Yes, 5 years ago almost exactly, as he told me that it would've been their 5th wedding anniversary the next day. He told me about the place, the music, the people invited, how it cost a lot of money but was worth every penny. He was being nostalgic without being sentimental, but two months into our relationship I wasn't exactly ready for that, so I kept silent and listened with mixed feelings.

Last night he got up right as I was falling asleep. He took his phone and his pillow, and as he opened the door I lifted my head and asked where he was going. To sleep in the other room, he said (which is an empty room with some old furniture, and a big mattress on the floor). He's done that on only one occassion, saying he couldn't sleep with me lying next to him, he had to be able to move around freely because stress and thoughts on work were killing him and he didn't want to keep me up writhing around. It had nothing to do with me he said. The first time I was really confused, I found it a pretty confronting way of withdrawal and I felt hurt. That first time, in the early morning when he hadn't come back yet I went and cuddled up next to him.

Yesterday I let him be. I asked if it had to do with work, and if he was ok. He said affirmatively that I shouldn't worry. I didn't worry, but I did feel left out again, and although I know better, it also feels like a form of rejection.

Tonight I'm having dinner at his house and we're planning on going to see a movie. I hope to keep it light, and if he didn't want to be with me tonight he would've said so, but I'm prepared for anything.

Some time ago he said the date(s) Tereza passed away don't mean nearly as much to him as her birthday, in February. I'm bracing myself for that time, seeing as now I often find myself not knowing how to act or react when things get tense, or when he shows an utter lack of affection and empathy. I try to be as understanding as possible, but without any insight in his thoughts I can only show him my love and concern which unfortunately I've found to have a wayward effect sometimes, especially when he's less receptive like he's been these days.

During All Saints in Poland, one could spot the graveyards from miles away, as they were lit by thousands and thousands of candles.

I want to be there for him when he feels like talking about his emotions, even if it is being nostalgic over Tereza like when he did in Mechlin. But I can't force him to talk about it, if it has at all to do with his state of mind these days. I'm writing down the dates in my agenda, just to be prepared and give him a rain check if he needs one. I just hope one day he can share those things with me, because it just might actually prove helpful for both of us.

Online dating, or how we met

On online dating

While pretty common in other countries like the US, the online dating thing is really much of a taboo still in Belgium.

Tomas and I met online.

When telling people about how we met, the comments I receive from people in my environment most often are:

• Why would you go looking for someone online? You're pretty and smart enough to find somebody real!
• Aren't those places full of desperate/creepy people?
• How can you go on a date with someone you don't know in real life beforehand?
• Really? I wouldn't have thought of you as the kind of person that does 'that'...
• Oh, I see...... (add skeptical smirk)

Some things I've heard Tomas' friends (generally 5-10 years older than my friends) say:

• I didn't think of you as someone doing something like 'that' (referring to him)
• So what, you just spend the whole day on the net browsing chicks and trying to hit up the hot ones?
• I don't get it, you're a social person, you don't have trouble approaching women and talking to them.
• I've never heard of anybody doing that... So you like, pay to get a date?

My parents (both going on 50) actually were a lot more open-minded to it. My dad literally pulled out some US statistics on online dating (an example of which you can find here) and was all "of course, that's the modern-age way of dating!" Wasn't expecting that.

In my defense to those who were skeptical I would explain how a 22-year old (which is how old I was when I created my one and only dating profile) that spent her childhood in one country, her years of High School in another, her years of university in yet another country may have a lot of friends all over the world, but no one to hang out with from my childhood days in my home country. Ok, that's a lie, there's family and one dear friend from elementary school that I cherish and hang out with, and she knows me through and through, but as for "groups" and "cliques", they were made when I wasn't around.

With a busy job I had little free time for expanding my social circle, and a few damaging relationships that gained me nothing but heartache later, I decided to give it a go on a dating website. Initially to find whoever sharing the same interests as me (for example, I love doing concerts, but had yet to find someone into the same music to take along), but by no means convinced to find love on there.

I went on dates with 3 guys I had met online. Two of them I saw for a second date. Then I declined the third date. Various reasons, mainly just desperate, creepy not my thing.

Tomas had his family life, his friends, his wife's friends and their mutual friends, playing soccer on Sundays, and then leading his business. When his wife came to pass, he just kept on doing everything he used to do, but with two instead of three. Brunches, parties, weekends, dinners, weddings; he always gets invited and tries going to all of them, but he is exclusively surrounded by people in their early thirties, having families and an established lifestyle. It's a closed circle of acquaintances where it's hard to get to meet new people. There aren't any bachelors to go out with and have crazy nights, and everybody (including himself) has kids at home so very few outings last long enough to expand his social circle. That's why he signed up for a dating site. For like a million of them, actually. Not desperate or creepy at all... Right?

Now as to how we met exactly

On the website I was on (meetic.be) girls can use most options for free, guys have to pay to even display their picture. He had paid for a three-month membership, and during day two of that membership he caught me online.

I would've never been suggested to him by the page itself, as I didn't fit the age in his "what are you looking for"-list. He had listed 25-35 as his age category, but I just happened to be on the "online" list, he saw my picture and thought my profile was interesting enough to chat. He later on admitted that if I would've been 23, he would've never even thought of chatting with me; 10 years of difference was the max stretch in age he'd feel comfortable with. So it sort of was "the right place, the right time" kind of thing.

Checking his profile, I saw he stated to have a 3-year old kid that lived with him, but no word on the mother. His relationship status was left blank. My past relationship experiences made me think of two possibilities: he's in a nasty divorce OR he's married and looking for some fooling around.

We just chatted away, general chit-chat, getting along and sharing a laugh. There was a nice flow. He invited me over to come have a drink that same night, after he had put his daughter to sleep. Just a friendly drink, no date, no strings attached. I was confused about his straight-forwardness, so I decided to be straight-forward as well: is there a wife or ex-wife involved? I didn't want to get into that again, and I told him clearly that if so, no way in the world would I ever come over.

There wasn't, he said. So, what's the deal, I asked. I'll tell you when you come over, it's something I'd rather tell in person to avoid easy judgments. I doubted, kind of foreseeing what option there was left that I overlooked before. I couldn't know for sure, but either way, the 3 year old daughter gave me food for thought too. I was definitely not up for any children of my own yet, leave alone someone else's.

He said he was a slow typer, and that if we'd be chatting online, we might as well do it in person and get that awkward "I've known you online but what if you're different in real life"-thing out of the way. He was new to the online dating scene but he'd rather have somebody real to share a glass of wine with on the porch. So he was trying to convince me, slightly pushy but in a fun-loving way. I declined, for that night.

He gave me all his details so I could contact him for next day, if I was up for it. Just a casual drink. I didn't want the pressure I'd felt during my previous dates with people I met online ("this is a date and we're both looking for a relationship here") and I felt with Tomas there wouldn't be this pressure. He was too straight-forward and didn't take himself too serious on anything that I actually felt it might just be fun. It had been a while since the last time I just had a drink with a friend and talked, so I figured why not. The day after having met online, I went to his house with a bottle of wine (red wine from Spain, of course).

For the record, I didn't sleep over that night! We did have a great evening where we clicked, we both laughed and shared interesting stories. Also, his daughter hadn't been able to sleep (it was a hot summer night) so I found myself having a glass of wine on his porch and his daughter playing with her dolls next to us, when he told me the deal with the mother of his child. I had caught a glimpse of a wedding picture on the way through to the porch, so it wasn't exactly a surprise anymore when he told me she had passed away 3 years ago.

He said he didn't want to say that on the internet, because he felt it would rather scare off people and not give him an equal chance to get to know someone. He hated pity too. He was quite fine. And he sounded fine when telling the whole thing. He had just carried on with his life, which is what he had to do, he says.

I agreed to see him again, and off took the relationship.

He still jokingly says he has yet to figure out whether that his membership was the biggest waste of money or the biggest investment online ever.