Online dating, or how we met

On online dating

While pretty common in other countries like the US, the online dating thing is really much of a taboo still in Belgium.

Tomas and I met online.

When telling people about how we met, the comments I receive from people in my environment most often are:

• Why would you go looking for someone online? You're pretty and smart enough to find somebody real!
• Aren't those places full of desperate/creepy people?
• How can you go on a date with someone you don't know in real life beforehand?
• Really? I wouldn't have thought of you as the kind of person that does 'that'...
• Oh, I see...... (add skeptical smirk)

Some things I've heard Tomas' friends (generally 5-10 years older than my friends) say:

• I didn't think of you as someone doing something like 'that' (referring to him)
• So what, you just spend the whole day on the net browsing chicks and trying to hit up the hot ones?
• I don't get it, you're a social person, you don't have trouble approaching women and talking to them.
• I've never heard of anybody doing that... So you like, pay to get a date?

My parents (both going on 50) actually were a lot more open-minded to it. My dad literally pulled out some US statistics on online dating (an example of which you can find here) and was all "of course, that's the modern-age way of dating!" Wasn't expecting that.

In my defense to those who were skeptical I would explain how a 22-year old (which is how old I was when I created my one and only dating profile) that spent her childhood in one country, her years of High School in another, her years of university in yet another country may have a lot of friends all over the world, but no one to hang out with from my childhood days in my home country. Ok, that's a lie, there's family and one dear friend from elementary school that I cherish and hang out with, and she knows me through and through, but as for "groups" and "cliques", they were made when I wasn't around.

With a busy job I had little free time for expanding my social circle, and a few damaging relationships that gained me nothing but heartache later, I decided to give it a go on a dating website. Initially to find whoever sharing the same interests as me (for example, I love doing concerts, but had yet to find someone into the same music to take along), but by no means convinced to find love on there.

I went on dates with 3 guys I had met online. Two of them I saw for a second date. Then I declined the third date. Various reasons, mainly just desperate, creepy not my thing.

Tomas had his family life, his friends, his wife's friends and their mutual friends, playing soccer on Sundays, and then leading his business. When his wife came to pass, he just kept on doing everything he used to do, but with two instead of three. Brunches, parties, weekends, dinners, weddings; he always gets invited and tries going to all of them, but he is exclusively surrounded by people in their early thirties, having families and an established lifestyle. It's a closed circle of acquaintances where it's hard to get to meet new people. There aren't any bachelors to go out with and have crazy nights, and everybody (including himself) has kids at home so very few outings last long enough to expand his social circle. That's why he signed up for a dating site. For like a million of them, actually. Not desperate or creepy at all... Right?

Now as to how we met exactly

On the website I was on (meetic.be) girls can use most options for free, guys have to pay to even display their picture. He had paid for a three-month membership, and during day two of that membership he caught me online.

I would've never been suggested to him by the page itself, as I didn't fit the age in his "what are you looking for"-list. He had listed 25-35 as his age category, but I just happened to be on the "online" list, he saw my picture and thought my profile was interesting enough to chat. He later on admitted that if I would've been 23, he would've never even thought of chatting with me; 10 years of difference was the max stretch in age he'd feel comfortable with. So it sort of was "the right place, the right time" kind of thing.

Checking his profile, I saw he stated to have a 3-year old kid that lived with him, but no word on the mother. His relationship status was left blank. My past relationship experiences made me think of two possibilities: he's in a nasty divorce OR he's married and looking for some fooling around.

We just chatted away, general chit-chat, getting along and sharing a laugh. There was a nice flow. He invited me over to come have a drink that same night, after he had put his daughter to sleep. Just a friendly drink, no date, no strings attached. I was confused about his straight-forwardness, so I decided to be straight-forward as well: is there a wife or ex-wife involved? I didn't want to get into that again, and I told him clearly that if so, no way in the world would I ever come over.

There wasn't, he said. So, what's the deal, I asked. I'll tell you when you come over, it's something I'd rather tell in person to avoid easy judgments. I doubted, kind of foreseeing what option there was left that I overlooked before. I couldn't know for sure, but either way, the 3 year old daughter gave me food for thought too. I was definitely not up for any children of my own yet, leave alone someone else's.

He said he was a slow typer, and that if we'd be chatting online, we might as well do it in person and get that awkward "I've known you online but what if you're different in real life"-thing out of the way. He was new to the online dating scene but he'd rather have somebody real to share a glass of wine with on the porch. So he was trying to convince me, slightly pushy but in a fun-loving way. I declined, for that night.

He gave me all his details so I could contact him for next day, if I was up for it. Just a casual drink. I didn't want the pressure I'd felt during my previous dates with people I met online ("this is a date and we're both looking for a relationship here") and I felt with Tomas there wouldn't be this pressure. He was too straight-forward and didn't take himself too serious on anything that I actually felt it might just be fun. It had been a while since the last time I just had a drink with a friend and talked, so I figured why not. The day after having met online, I went to his house with a bottle of wine (red wine from Spain, of course).

For the record, I didn't sleep over that night! We did have a great evening where we clicked, we both laughed and shared interesting stories. Also, his daughter hadn't been able to sleep (it was a hot summer night) so I found myself having a glass of wine on his porch and his daughter playing with her dolls next to us, when he told me the deal with the mother of his child. I had caught a glimpse of a wedding picture on the way through to the porch, so it wasn't exactly a surprise anymore when he told me she had passed away 3 years ago.

He said he didn't want to say that on the internet, because he felt it would rather scare off people and not give him an equal chance to get to know someone. He hated pity too. He was quite fine. And he sounded fine when telling the whole thing. He had just carried on with his life, which is what he had to do, he says.

I agreed to see him again, and off took the relationship.

He still jokingly says he has yet to figure out whether that his membership was the biggest waste of money or the biggest investment online ever.