To like, to love, and the in between : a matter of emotional linguistics

In Spain I did my university in Spanish philology, which is a fancy name for the study of the literature and linguistics of the Spanish language. Still my favorite, and besides still dreaming in that language every once in a while, I find myself unable to express certain things in any other language besides Spanish.

I could pass for a native in Spanish, as well as in English, however, my native tongue is Flemish (aka Dutch). A complicated Germanic language with many quirks and archaic remnants (especially in the spelling-area), I have yet to meet someone who isn't a native that speaks it perfectly. It is this language that now provides me with a concept that can neither be translated into Spanish or English.

"Graag zien" is a verb that identifies a feeling in between friendship and love. It's more than just "to like" someone, but it's not yet "to love" in the romantic sense of the word. You can "graag zien" someone like your sister, your best friend or your dog, but in those cases it's used interchangeably with "to love", and using either of them doesn't create any awkwardness because everyone involved knows it's not in the romantic sense of the word but both words acknowledge how dear the "direct objects" are to the person using the verb.

In romantic relationships it's a bit different. Unlike in English, where "love" is thrown around even to describe a pair of shoes, in Dutch "houden van" (to love) someone is weighty and serious. Saying it implies a load of commitment and devotion, it requires courage and is usually well thought through before being uttered. Responding to it affirmatively can mean the world to the other partner. We even use the English phrase "I love you" in Dutch just because it feels less packed with emotion and doesn't put as much pressure on the other person.

I've only said I love you (with the Dutch meaning behind, not the often too light-hearted English version) to one person in my life, to the Spanish guy I was with for 7 years. Even towards my parents I feel more comfortable using "graag zien" because, well, it implies less.

A different area in linguistics: syntax. Nothing to do with my emotions -I actually kind of resented the subject-, but a nice syntactic tree in English breaks down the Spanish "te amo" (which basically nobody uses, it's like "I love you" times ten, "I adore you" in a very thick way - nobody in Spain pertaining to my generation takes that phrase seriously). I thought it would fit this post though.

Tomas doesn't love me. He ziet me graag. A lot, he says. But he hasn't fallen in love, something that usually leads to "loving" someone. It all comes down to semantics, as every word's is backed by a conventional meaning in society, but whereas some people don't pay attention to the subtle nuances it can mean a world of difference to others who do. Both Tomas and I are very aware of the meaning of all these words and what they convey at expressing them.

I've kept "love" at a distance since we started dating, mainly due to past experiences when I gave everything for love and it backfired big time. When Tomas would pick up on the boundaries I set for myself at the beginning, he told me I could trust him and should let go of my fears, and let in whatever feelings would come around as he had no intentions of hurting me and wanted me to be able to be myself.

So I let go, eventually, because I wanted to love again and be loved. I didn't madly fall in love, but it's more than "graag zien". It surely could evolve to even a lot more, but I've started pressing the break on my feelings every once in a while, only because he himself hasn't opened up yet. There's a nagging voice at the back of my head that keeps saying "what if he won't ever fall in love again and I'm just wasting my time". He doesn't know whether he will. He wants to, and everything feels right except for "something" that's still missing, he says.

What is that "something"? Is it the fact that I am not, and won't ever be Tereza? Is it perhaps a switch in his head that acts like a green light, a mind-set that he has to let go of in order to move on and knowing it's ok to do so? I can't figure it out, and neither can he.

In general he's not a sentimental person, he has his own way of grieving that I can't identify nor recognise, leave alone anticipate. He has a warm personality but emotionally often comes over as cold and distant. As I said in my previous post (Save the date), he has emotionally shut himself off. He's always said he's ready to move on, he gets full support from his family and friends who are all thrilled that he is "opening up" again to someone (or that's how it seems to them) and has found love.

But lately he has been doubting that, and I have too along with him. He is getting worried because he feels like he should by now, going on 6 months, feel different from what he actually feels. He has had moments where he expressed his worries, his impatience and his uncertainty. I've tried telling him it's impossible to feel the way he felt when he met Tereza, he's 10 years older now and has gone through a lot. It just won't be the same, with anyone for that matter, but if he opens up completely it might be as good, just in a different way. And that's when his reaction (or rather, lack thereof) makes me think he might not yet be ready.

But we have come this far, I am by no means willing to give up, and neither is he. I am at the threshold of his locked up feelings, farther than anyone besides his late wife has ever gotten, and I cherish him too much and hope time will do the rest. On the upside, he says the feelings he has towards me compare to those he had for Tereza 5 years into their relationship, a sort of established love that won't go away easily. But that's not enough to settle for either, even if I say so myself.

Can I unlock his feelings? Can I get to the core of his emotions, and moreover, will he let me go there? Or will I be hurt in the process? It's like a coin on it's side, it can go either way. Sometimes it's slanted more to one side, sometimes more to the other side, and however much I want to rush I can't.

I'm trying not to think too much about the linguistics of it all. I tend to overanalyse everything he (or anyone for that matter) says, based on the meaning of his words, but I'm trying hard not to. Besides creating uncertainty, it doesn't get me anywhere.