To like, to love, and the in between : a matter of emotional linguistics

In Spain I did my university in Spanish philology, which is a fancy name for the study of the literature and linguistics of the Spanish language. Still my favorite, and besides still dreaming in that language every once in a while, I find myself unable to express certain things in any other language besides Spanish.

I could pass for a native in Spanish, as well as in English, however, my native tongue is Flemish (aka Dutch). A complicated Germanic language with many quirks and archaic remnants (especially in the spelling-area), I have yet to meet someone who isn't a native that speaks it perfectly. It is this language that now provides me with a concept that can neither be translated into Spanish or English.

"Graag zien" is a verb that identifies a feeling in between friendship and love. It's more than just "to like" someone, but it's not yet "to love" in the romantic sense of the word. You can "graag zien" someone like your sister, your best friend or your dog, but in those cases it's used interchangeably with "to love", and using either of them doesn't create any awkwardness because everyone involved knows it's not in the romantic sense of the word but both words acknowledge how dear the "direct objects" are to the person using the verb.

In romantic relationships it's a bit different. Unlike in English, where "love" is thrown around even to describe a pair of shoes, in Dutch "houden van" (to love) someone is weighty and serious. Saying it implies a load of commitment and devotion, it requires courage and is usually well thought through before being uttered. Responding to it affirmatively can mean the world to the other partner. We even use the English phrase "I love you" in Dutch just because it feels less packed with emotion and doesn't put as much pressure on the other person.

I've only said I love you (with the Dutch meaning behind, not the often too light-hearted English version) to one person in my life, to the Spanish guy I was with for 7 years. Even towards my parents I feel more comfortable using "graag zien" because, well, it implies less.

A different area in linguistics: syntax. Nothing to do with my emotions -I actually kind of resented the subject-, but a nice syntactic tree in English breaks down the Spanish "te amo" (which basically nobody uses, it's like "I love you" times ten, "I adore you" in a very thick way - nobody in Spain pertaining to my generation takes that phrase seriously). I thought it would fit this post though.

Tomas doesn't love me. He ziet me graag. A lot, he says. But he hasn't fallen in love, something that usually leads to "loving" someone. It all comes down to semantics, as every word's is backed by a conventional meaning in society, but whereas some people don't pay attention to the subtle nuances it can mean a world of difference to others who do. Both Tomas and I are very aware of the meaning of all these words and what they convey at expressing them.

I've kept "love" at a distance since we started dating, mainly due to past experiences when I gave everything for love and it backfired big time. When Tomas would pick up on the boundaries I set for myself at the beginning, he told me I could trust him and should let go of my fears, and let in whatever feelings would come around as he had no intentions of hurting me and wanted me to be able to be myself.

So I let go, eventually, because I wanted to love again and be loved. I didn't madly fall in love, but it's more than "graag zien". It surely could evolve to even a lot more, but I've started pressing the break on my feelings every once in a while, only because he himself hasn't opened up yet. There's a nagging voice at the back of my head that keeps saying "what if he won't ever fall in love again and I'm just wasting my time". He doesn't know whether he will. He wants to, and everything feels right except for "something" that's still missing, he says.

What is that "something"? Is it the fact that I am not, and won't ever be Tereza? Is it perhaps a switch in his head that acts like a green light, a mind-set that he has to let go of in order to move on and knowing it's ok to do so? I can't figure it out, and neither can he.

In general he's not a sentimental person, he has his own way of grieving that I can't identify nor recognise, leave alone anticipate. He has a warm personality but emotionally often comes over as cold and distant. As I said in my previous post (Save the date), he has emotionally shut himself off. He's always said he's ready to move on, he gets full support from his family and friends who are all thrilled that he is "opening up" again to someone (or that's how it seems to them) and has found love.

But lately he has been doubting that, and I have too along with him. He is getting worried because he feels like he should by now, going on 6 months, feel different from what he actually feels. He has had moments where he expressed his worries, his impatience and his uncertainty. I've tried telling him it's impossible to feel the way he felt when he met Tereza, he's 10 years older now and has gone through a lot. It just won't be the same, with anyone for that matter, but if he opens up completely it might be as good, just in a different way. And that's when his reaction (or rather, lack thereof) makes me think he might not yet be ready.

But we have come this far, I am by no means willing to give up, and neither is he. I am at the threshold of his locked up feelings, farther than anyone besides his late wife has ever gotten, and I cherish him too much and hope time will do the rest. On the upside, he says the feelings he has towards me compare to those he had for Tereza 5 years into their relationship, a sort of established love that won't go away easily. But that's not enough to settle for either, even if I say so myself.

Can I unlock his feelings? Can I get to the core of his emotions, and moreover, will he let me go there? Or will I be hurt in the process? It's like a coin on it's side, it can go either way. Sometimes it's slanted more to one side, sometimes more to the other side, and however much I want to rush I can't.

I'm trying not to think too much about the linguistics of it all. I tend to overanalyse everything he (or anyone for that matter) says, based on the meaning of his words, but I'm trying hard not to. Besides creating uncertainty, it doesn't get me anywhere.

Save the date

Today exactly 3 years ago, Tomas' wife Tereza came home from a shopping trip with a friend. Her husband had stayed home, flooded with work, she had taken their 3-month old with her. After she had put down the baby, Tereza fell to the floor, unable to catch her breath.

What followed was a 911 call, instructions for giving CPR during the next 30 minutes until the ambulance arrived, and a trip to the hospital where all friends and family passed by in the course of three days, until finally, upon the announcement that all brain activity had seized, Tomas and his wife's parents gave permission to turn off all the machines that kept her among the living. She was buried a few days later.

I was planning on starting off easy on this blog, looking back on 5 months of being in a relationship with Tomas, sharing the feelings and experiences I lived while getting the blog up to date. No pressure, we're having our ups and downs but why hurry, there's enough time to tell everything. But then I realised I have to adress this issue now, today, the only relevant day in a year's time to do so.

It just so happens that from the start of December on, it is the most hectic season in Tomas' business. It's a race against time and neverending problem-solving. Papers lie around the house shouting for his attention, a mechanical failure can mean an utter disaster for the schedule, his cell phone needs charging every night from the continuous phone calls (OK, he charges it every night anyway, but that's not the point), workers start to take off for the holidays, etc.

Less coincidential is the fact that there's a turning point in December, a previously fixed date where the business stops its regular activities and goes in overdrive into a transition period till the end of January, in the way I described above. This turning point is a date most companies in his sector have set at the beginning of December. He has set it on today, December 18th, for the past three years already. I've never asked him about whether it's coincidence or not, I assume it rather isn't.

Since the beginning of December, he has stopped sending me textmessages during the day to see how I'm doing, if I slept well, how my day's going, or what my plans are for when I get out of work. When I send something (which I do every day if I don't hear from him), it either goes without response, or gets a short reply some time later saying he's busy. And then I don't hear from him until hours later, after he's put his daughter to bed.

This all fits in with what a busy period in a business might bring about, and in no way do I blame him for it. He's very driven at what he does and I admire him greatly for what he's done, what he's achieved, and what he continues to build. I will address this in a post later on, because work is with him day and night (and I mean that literally, he often gets up in the middle of the night to attend to an urgent problem), yet he finds time to be a caring father for his daughter. And he used to find time to be a husband too.

A picture my dad took while we were living in Poland. The 1st of November was a date to save, as huge amounts of people would go visit their loved ones, at some of the eeriest yet most beautiful graveyards I've ever seen.

He admits one of the biggest ways of getting through the initial emotional desolation his wife's passing brought about was devoting himself to his business and his child. Perhaps 'getting through' is not the right term. He rather avoided it by keeping steady on his goals in life, to raise a child and a business, and that has kept his mind from wandering off.

In addition to maintaining a very sharp focus in life, he has shut off emotionally. He has created a wall of apathy, that only his daughter can break through. If his emotions were to be a graph, it would be a straight line. He is content and optimistic about almost everything, but he is unable to feel emotional highs or lows. Another way of coping, he admits, another way of keeping his mind in place. That's against nature and prevents a natural healing process, some would say, yet a very effective survival technique, others might argue. I would agree to both I think, but I only know for sure: that wall is so darn hard to break through...

Recent developments and heart-breaking conversations (a few weeks ago) with him have taught me he perhaps is not ready to move on yet. He didn't know this himself before we started dating, as he's had a couple of relationships before me (both didn't survive the three-month threshold, as he lost interest and he only felt apathy towards them) and this time he says it's different. In me he sees an ideal partner for sharing the rest of his life with, after 5 months I still make him feel things that resemble love, and he definitely doesn't want to lose me. But he feels there's something missing, which he can only explain by saying that he might not be ready to open up.

What I'm getting at by telling all this, and which I didn't realize at the time: his sudden epiphanies on how he feels about our relationship and his lack lately to give me the affectuous attention he used to, are more than likely related to the fact that today's date and the holiday-season as a whole just takes him back three years ago. And in his mind nor in his heart is there room for anyone else during those flashbacks that come and go, and have done so since December has started. Or at least I think.

Is it the business giving him such a hard time? Is it the date, the emotions and nostalgia provoked by this period of the year? A combination of both, I guess. But that's all I can do, guess. He is in no mood for having profound conversations these days, which is (and I'm pretty sure of that) caused by work-related stress.

Two months into our relationship, we went to a bar in the centre of Mechlin, to celebrate his sister's birthday. It was only on our way back to the car, some hours past midnight and some beers later, that he showed me the beautiful place where him and Tereza had their wedding celebration 5 years ago. Yes, 5 years ago almost exactly, as he told me that it would've been their 5th wedding anniversary the next day. He told me about the place, the music, the people invited, how it cost a lot of money but was worth every penny. He was being nostalgic without being sentimental, but two months into our relationship I wasn't exactly ready for that, so I kept silent and listened with mixed feelings.

Last night he got up right as I was falling asleep. He took his phone and his pillow, and as he opened the door I lifted my head and asked where he was going. To sleep in the other room, he said (which is an empty room with some old furniture, and a big mattress on the floor). He's done that on only one occassion, saying he couldn't sleep with me lying next to him, he had to be able to move around freely because stress and thoughts on work were killing him and he didn't want to keep me up writhing around. It had nothing to do with me he said. The first time I was really confused, I found it a pretty confronting way of withdrawal and I felt hurt. That first time, in the early morning when he hadn't come back yet I went and cuddled up next to him.

Yesterday I let him be. I asked if it had to do with work, and if he was ok. He said affirmatively that I shouldn't worry. I didn't worry, but I did feel left out again, and although I know better, it also feels like a form of rejection.

Tonight I'm having dinner at his house and we're planning on going to see a movie. I hope to keep it light, and if he didn't want to be with me tonight he would've said so, but I'm prepared for anything.

Some time ago he said the date(s) Tereza passed away don't mean nearly as much to him as her birthday, in February. I'm bracing myself for that time, seeing as now I often find myself not knowing how to act or react when things get tense, or when he shows an utter lack of affection and empathy. I try to be as understanding as possible, but without any insight in his thoughts I can only show him my love and concern which unfortunately I've found to have a wayward effect sometimes, especially when he's less receptive like he's been these days.

During All Saints in Poland, one could spot the graveyards from miles away, as they were lit by thousands and thousands of candles.

I want to be there for him when he feels like talking about his emotions, even if it is being nostalgic over Tereza like when he did in Mechlin. But I can't force him to talk about it, if it has at all to do with his state of mind these days. I'm writing down the dates in my agenda, just to be prepared and give him a rain check if he needs one. I just hope one day he can share those things with me, because it just might actually prove helpful for both of us.

Online dating, or how we met

On online dating

While pretty common in other countries like the US, the online dating thing is really much of a taboo still in Belgium.

Tomas and I met online.

When telling people about how we met, the comments I receive from people in my environment most often are:

• Why would you go looking for someone online? You're pretty and smart enough to find somebody real!
• Aren't those places full of desperate/creepy people?
• How can you go on a date with someone you don't know in real life beforehand?
• Really? I wouldn't have thought of you as the kind of person that does 'that'...
• Oh, I see...... (add skeptical smirk)

Some things I've heard Tomas' friends (generally 5-10 years older than my friends) say:

• I didn't think of you as someone doing something like 'that' (referring to him)
• So what, you just spend the whole day on the net browsing chicks and trying to hit up the hot ones?
• I don't get it, you're a social person, you don't have trouble approaching women and talking to them.
• I've never heard of anybody doing that... So you like, pay to get a date?

My parents (both going on 50) actually were a lot more open-minded to it. My dad literally pulled out some US statistics on online dating (an example of which you can find here) and was all "of course, that's the modern-age way of dating!" Wasn't expecting that.

In my defense to those who were skeptical I would explain how a 22-year old (which is how old I was when I created my one and only dating profile) that spent her childhood in one country, her years of High School in another, her years of university in yet another country may have a lot of friends all over the world, but no one to hang out with from my childhood days in my home country. Ok, that's a lie, there's family and one dear friend from elementary school that I cherish and hang out with, and she knows me through and through, but as for "groups" and "cliques", they were made when I wasn't around.

With a busy job I had little free time for expanding my social circle, and a few damaging relationships that gained me nothing but heartache later, I decided to give it a go on a dating website. Initially to find whoever sharing the same interests as me (for example, I love doing concerts, but had yet to find someone into the same music to take along), but by no means convinced to find love on there.

I went on dates with 3 guys I had met online. Two of them I saw for a second date. Then I declined the third date. Various reasons, mainly just desperate, creepy not my thing.

Tomas had his family life, his friends, his wife's friends and their mutual friends, playing soccer on Sundays, and then leading his business. When his wife came to pass, he just kept on doing everything he used to do, but with two instead of three. Brunches, parties, weekends, dinners, weddings; he always gets invited and tries going to all of them, but he is exclusively surrounded by people in their early thirties, having families and an established lifestyle. It's a closed circle of acquaintances where it's hard to get to meet new people. There aren't any bachelors to go out with and have crazy nights, and everybody (including himself) has kids at home so very few outings last long enough to expand his social circle. That's why he signed up for a dating site. For like a million of them, actually. Not desperate or creepy at all... Right?

Now as to how we met exactly

On the website I was on (meetic.be) girls can use most options for free, guys have to pay to even display their picture. He had paid for a three-month membership, and during day two of that membership he caught me online.

I would've never been suggested to him by the page itself, as I didn't fit the age in his "what are you looking for"-list. He had listed 25-35 as his age category, but I just happened to be on the "online" list, he saw my picture and thought my profile was interesting enough to chat. He later on admitted that if I would've been 23, he would've never even thought of chatting with me; 10 years of difference was the max stretch in age he'd feel comfortable with. So it sort of was "the right place, the right time" kind of thing.

Checking his profile, I saw he stated to have a 3-year old kid that lived with him, but no word on the mother. His relationship status was left blank. My past relationship experiences made me think of two possibilities: he's in a nasty divorce OR he's married and looking for some fooling around.

We just chatted away, general chit-chat, getting along and sharing a laugh. There was a nice flow. He invited me over to come have a drink that same night, after he had put his daughter to sleep. Just a friendly drink, no date, no strings attached. I was confused about his straight-forwardness, so I decided to be straight-forward as well: is there a wife or ex-wife involved? I didn't want to get into that again, and I told him clearly that if so, no way in the world would I ever come over.

There wasn't, he said. So, what's the deal, I asked. I'll tell you when you come over, it's something I'd rather tell in person to avoid easy judgments. I doubted, kind of foreseeing what option there was left that I overlooked before. I couldn't know for sure, but either way, the 3 year old daughter gave me food for thought too. I was definitely not up for any children of my own yet, leave alone someone else's.

He said he was a slow typer, and that if we'd be chatting online, we might as well do it in person and get that awkward "I've known you online but what if you're different in real life"-thing out of the way. He was new to the online dating scene but he'd rather have somebody real to share a glass of wine with on the porch. So he was trying to convince me, slightly pushy but in a fun-loving way. I declined, for that night.

He gave me all his details so I could contact him for next day, if I was up for it. Just a casual drink. I didn't want the pressure I'd felt during my previous dates with people I met online ("this is a date and we're both looking for a relationship here") and I felt with Tomas there wouldn't be this pressure. He was too straight-forward and didn't take himself too serious on anything that I actually felt it might just be fun. It had been a while since the last time I just had a drink with a friend and talked, so I figured why not. The day after having met online, I went to his house with a bottle of wine (red wine from Spain, of course).

For the record, I didn't sleep over that night! We did have a great evening where we clicked, we both laughed and shared interesting stories. Also, his daughter hadn't been able to sleep (it was a hot summer night) so I found myself having a glass of wine on his porch and his daughter playing with her dolls next to us, when he told me the deal with the mother of his child. I had caught a glimpse of a wedding picture on the way through to the porch, so it wasn't exactly a surprise anymore when he told me she had passed away 3 years ago.

He said he didn't want to say that on the internet, because he felt it would rather scare off people and not give him an equal chance to get to know someone. He hated pity too. He was quite fine. And he sounded fine when telling the whole thing. He had just carried on with his life, which is what he had to do, he says.

I agreed to see him again, and off took the relationship.

He still jokingly says he has yet to figure out whether that his membership was the biggest waste of money or the biggest investment online ever.

There's a first time for everything

At my young age, I often feel like I've lived more than my years account for.

Living internationally has a way of maturing people. Taking on relationships that aren't presented on a silver platter do too.

I feel like I've done it all:

• long-term
• long distance
• one-night stand
• an affair with a married man
• a relationship with a father of 2 in the middle of a nasty divorce
• relationships with up to 15 years of difference in age
• a relationship with an alcoholic

Some of these, by the way, apply to just one ex-boyfriend, it's not like I've had as many boyfriends as there are items on the list. Oh and the affair: I was young, stupid, and feeling unloved. Definitely not proud of that one.

Most of them I regret, partially or completely, and while they lasted they showed me new lows of the human psyche, including my own. Most of them taught me something. Sometimes futile things, sometimes lessons I consider valuable for future reference. But all of them have shaped me into being the way I am, who I am, for better or for worse.

About 5 months ago, a new kind of relationship presented itself to me. So.. I didn't do it all yet?

I will change names for privacy; references as to where I got these names and why I picked them are at the bottom of this post.

So, the new relationship..  Tomas is 34, and has a 3 year old daughter, Nala.

Tomas' wife, whom we'll call Tereza, passed away suddenly in December 3 years ago, leaving behind the man she had been with for 10 years, and their then 3 month old baby. She was only 27 at the time.

Not only a full-time father, the owner of a busy business, but also a widower. Relationship-wise, there's a "first" I hadn't seen coming. In the past I've always embraced difficult situations as "ever overcomeable through effort and love", but that hasn't proved so successful thus far. Will it be different this time?

My first time in the Sierra Madrileña, the mountains of Madrid, Spain

I decided on writing this blog to tell my story as we go along (5 months will be recapped in the next posts), in the hope that writing it all down will bring some relief and clarity during my struggles, as well as his and ours. It is definitely not easy or like any other relationship I've been in.

I've read through forums and posts on the Internet about dating a widower, many recognisable stories and issues, yet all different in some way. As each story is unique, I decided to tell mine (not wanting to spam yet another forum thread), and perhaps it will encourage people to tell me more about theirs, maybe provide tips and support (things hard to come by in a situation like this.) Or, it could help people going through something similar find those things through my story. I believe open communication is the key, in the relationship itself as with outsiders. 

Tomas is not much of a talker when it comes to feelings, making it all the harder to cope, so what better than the Internet to have open communication with people that know what it's like to be in my shoes, or his shoes for that matter? Maybe that will help me find peace of mind at the times he's just not up for it. Or maybe just writing it down in itself may take quite a load off my shoulders.

We'll see. I've always wanted to write a blog, but never found the ideas coherent enough to create something I'd be interested in following myself. Now I have a theme, an objective, a reason to write. So I started writing, that's a start, and also a first - my first blog post ever.

Talk to you soon.

Notes: 

Tomáš is one of the main characters in my favourite book - The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. Maybe I'll do a post on this later on, it's a great book and the character in some ways does resemble my boyfriend.

Tereza is Tomas' young wife in the same novel. But as far as I know, this is where all resemblance between this character and the real life deceased wife ends.

Nala is definitely a Disney reference, in case you were wondering. Actually I was thinking of Simba rather, seeing as he lost his father as a cub, but he's a male so I picked his lady-friend Nala to use for a pseudonym.