When fear becomes reality

As of Sunday, Tomas and I are on a break.

Valentine's Day went well, he didn't get me any presents but he surprised me with a candlelight dinner and he cooked one of my favourite meals. And he promised me an elaborate massage for one of the following days.

I had only received the smaller pictures I had ordered by then, but he liked them and we put them in the frames that same day. He was curious for the collages, even excited I may say. We had a nice night, although after some wine we started talking about the future. Or lack thereof.

He talked about his fear for commitment, which has surfaced now that after almost 8 months I've come closer than anyone besides Tereza. He is convinced I will walk out at one point, like, according to him, "everyone does sooner or later". We talked for a long time and before going to bed I assured him I wouldn't walk out on him ever, unless he starts acting like an utter jackass of course (someone had to lighten the mood..) He hugged me and grabbed me tight, gave me a couple of soft kisses, I guess in appreciation of what I said. I felt all was good, still a long road to go, but spending more time apart made the moments together wonderful.


Saturday we had 2 couples over for dinner, two of Tereza's best friends and their partners. Great people, we had a lot of fun, and after dinner we went out to a concert/party being held not too far.

We had a blast. We were dancing, laughing, talking, just enjoying ourselves. Both of Tereza's friends told me (seperately) how happy we seemed, and how glad they were to see Tomas like this. They hadn't seen him like this since Tereza. They were genuinely happy for us and talked about what a great match we were.

Later on I learned they had talked to him too and said the same, and he agreed that things were really working out and he was glad to have found me.

All good, and I felt like it was another night that we spent like a happy couple, and I saw a bright future ahead. Until we got into the car. And then the flood came.

By the time we got home, he was basically breaking up with me.

I couldn't believe what was happening. I cried and cried and cried. I felt like my heart was being ripped out and a bulldozer was passing back and forth over it. Things were going so well, how did this happen?

As I've heard from other ladies dating a widower, this isn't unusual to happen. The widower thinks he's ready to move on with someone new, starts dating, things become serious and he convinces the new woman that he is ready (and he truly thinks he is too), and when that someone is finally convinced he may be really ready, they open their hearts to him and basically go for it.

And then fear strikes. Panic. Guilt. Doubt. Grief. They crawl back into their shell.

This is exactly what happened. He is no longer sure he can build a new future with someone, for the moment being. He is no longer sure he is ready. He is no longer sure that he will eventually fall madly in love with me, if by now it hasn't happened yet. He is no longer sure he can continue doing this without feeling 100% committed.

Four months ago he was the one convincing ME this would work out, that I shouldn't doubt, why, because he didn't. We weren't there yet, but he felt like he could get there with me. I wasn't in for the 150% I usually put in a committed relationship, because although he had convinced me, there was always a little voice in the back of my head telling me to be cautious. But with all the things we went through and the progress we made, I was at 100% of giving myself to him.

And then he shuts down. He cares deeply about me, and he hates to hurt me. But he can't do it. And, honest as he is, he says that although he thinks of me as his partner in all ways, he thinks this on a day-to-day basis. And he can't seem to pull away from that short-term notion, therefore he fears I will evolve to be his friend-with-benefits sooner or later. He doesn't find that fair to me (damn right), or to himself.

He is fully aware that all evolution stops at his inability to commit to the long-term and his failure to open up.

I tried to convince him like he convinced me over and over some time ago.

Especially because I wasn't demanding more time apart, but he needed it so I gave it to him for our relationship's sake, and appreciated the decision. I was understanding and patient, and in hindsight it was the best thing we could do. It brought about a real improvement in our relationship. We really clicked and I could do nothing but trust this was going well and definitely headed in the right direction.

He had removed the dress at my request, and he was actively involving me in all areas in his life. No major changes, but I felt in every way like I was his partner. And I felt happy by his side, confident in the progress and our future together. We were doing all the right things.

It is rather simple now. He hasn't grieved enough, and didn't think this through. I think if I achieved anything by trying to convince him, it is that we are now on a break instead of broken up.

He says he needs time to figure out how he really feels. It is heart-wrecking but I can't distract him from that. He needs to figure out where he is at in his own mind and heart, something he never took the time to do.

From the days we spent apart, he felt like it really wouldn't be so hard for him to go back to his life before me. Talk about a bullet to the heart. He now wants to have some (more) space, time and solemnity to see whether he will miss me and whether he has more feelings for me than meet the eye. Whether he can put his feelings for Tereza where they belong, in the past, and his feelings for me in the present, all in.

I foreshadowed in my post Save the date how Tereza's birthday would be way harder on him than her day of death in December, that I needed to brace myself for that one. And guess what day it is in 10 days.... She would've turned 30 this year. And that's exactly what he calls it, her 30th birthday. I will write more on this later on, but undoubtedly this has been a mayor trigger for his sudden fall-back.

This period of time I will need to work on myself, getting healthy and strong on my own. I have to let go for now, which is harder than I ever imagined because I can't get rid of the hope that everything will work out fine, just like he promised me and just like it felt we were getting to. It is truly tearing me apart.

I don't only miss him more than ever, I am hurt to see him take so many steps back at once and pull me right under. I also don't know what attitude to have when he does contact me or if we were to see each other. Do I show him my love and hope, so it might argue in my favor? Or do I show I am hurt and angry, so he really gets a feel of what life would be without me?

I have no idea. I honestly don't know what to do, think, feel or say.

He said it's not goobye, and he would be in touch anyway (it's been close to 48hrs now though). He said his door was open for me and anything I needed, he wasn't going to drop me like a brick, and I could contact him whenever. When I asked what I should do with the collages for Valentine's, he said he would very much like to see them and have them, I should come drop them off whenever I want. I received them by mail yesterday, and they made me cry. They're in my car, but I'm holding on to them unless he asks me about them.

I asked him to tell me when and if he misses me. He said I'd notice. I told him I wanted to hear it and he said he would tell me. As I was leaving his house, I said one more thing: he should think very carefully about what he is about to throw away.

For now, what is there left to do but wait? Hurt and wait and hope for the best?

Although I feel way less strong than this sentence would indicate, it fits the situation very well. It is all so unfair.

My own Valentine's Day

In Belgium, and I believe in most of Europe, the celebration of Valentine's Day doesn't go way back.

It's been commercialised over the last 10-15, maybe 20 years or so, and stores, brands and by extent "the people" have tagged along. It has nothing to do with European traditions or culture, it's just another asset for a society built on consumerism.

I've never celebrated Valentine's Day with any of my previous boyfriends. With exception of my 7-year relationship with the Spanish guy, I actually never had a boyfriend on the 14th of February. During that long-term relationship we both agreed not to do anything special on that day, we were still young and rebellious (and rather limited financially) and did not want the mainstream to determine when to emphasize our love.

With Tomas, I have taken I slightly different stand. I have no idea whether he celebrated it with Tereza, and as far as I know he shares my idea of that it's just another day where we're peer-pressured into buying each other gifts.

He has, however, mentioned it sometime last year, in the context of "gah, another day I'll have to go looking for a gift". We didn't discuss it at all back then, but I assumed it was something he considered a necessary evil, and he dreaded it a bit.

We did Christmas gifts, which we exchanged on New Year's eve (he went out and bought mine literally on December 29th), so I figured we'd do this as well.

Now with the date coming up, I believe we'll go out to dinner, and I've thought of a nice present for him too. When I told him I'd get him a present he said I didn't need to do that, that he couldn't be bothered to participate actively in all that and go get me one. I said it doesn't need to be much, flowers or chocolate will do (however much that's unlike me). He mumbled a bit, but he knows know that I'll expect something. It's up to him to not disappoint me.

I've taken my precautions for possible disappointment, and what he doesn't know is that my present for him actually is a present for me too.

As I've mentioned before, he gave me permission to take down most of Tereza's pictures that were scattered around the house, from collages to frames and everything. There's still some very emblematic ones up, like their wedding picture or a canvas with both of them kissing, surrounded by well-wishings for their wedding. Although he has said I could take those down too, I feel he needs to take those down, not me.

He has also half-jokingly mentioned that if I'm bothered by them, besides taking them down I should put pictures of me and him up.

Now seems like a great time to do that! I'm ordering a few collages online, where you use a background picture and are able to surround it with as many smaller pictures as you like and they print it on photo-paper in the size you like.

I've decided to take our pictures from our trip to Kenya and make a collage of some of the awesome places and animals we saw, and make another one with pictures of us while we were there.

Yes, we definitely went horseback-riding amongst the wildlife. Who would not want a picture of that.

It'll be up to him to put them up, but I can't imagine him just letting them lie around, as I know he really likes some of the pictures. I'm ordering a couple separate pictures of us as well he can then put in the empty frames he has stored.

I would really like to see the pictures on display, as we have good memories from them, and on a somewhat selfish note, I would love the recognition. When he has friends or family over they will not only see pictures of him and Tereza, but they will see some of him and me too in prominent places and probably ask about them, engaging in conversation about our trip, bringing back the good memories. It will be a silent signal of progress and in a way, it's creating myself a place in his life.

I admit, my underlying intentions are a tad egocentrical and may come off to some as "pushy", but I feel it's a nice way of moving forward without asking him to undertake anything. He just has to go with it, which I think he will as he was the one suggesting it. Although, I doubt he thought I would actually do it!

So it's a surprise in many ways, and I'm really curious to see his reaction. Even if he decides to be stubborn and not get me anything, I won't be bothered for long as I'll enjoy my own gift to him just as much. 

I never thought Valentine's Day could be more than a tool for economy, yet here I am giving it a whole new purpose!

Time and space

Tomas and I have agreed on spending less time together. Nothing too drastical, and substantially it doesn't mean our relationship should be any different, but it will create a time and space for introspection and evaluation.

In retrospect, the four days I had left and came back only when the dress had gone, have been an eye-opener.

We were moving too fast, and he needs more space. More than I do, definitely, but I need the space too to get myself straightened out and be the strong and independent woman I know I can be. No lesser version of me can deal with this relationship, or life in general (or at least not in a satisfactory way).


Rewind a week, when I didn't have the energy or the mindset to find words to post anything more than a quick update.

The night I came back after the dress had gone, we went out to dinner, and he told me about everything he had realized during the time we were apart. Many harsh truths, amongst them he told me he had even considered breaking up. He felt smothered by my presence and was worried I would not be able to take a step back in our relationship and slow things down so he had thought of breaking up as a last resort.

Less obvious to me during the last month or so, when he explained it to me I realised he was right. It was like we were practically living together, and neither him or our relationship are ready for that yet. He has been living by himself with his daughter for nearly three years before meeting me, and he was not ready to give up his routines, his habits and his solitary moments. Also because I make myself noted in a household and he is a quirky man, but really it has to do more with him not being ready yet to completely move on.

He explained there had been times over the past weeks where he knew I needed certain things from him (whether it be affection, communication, or just for him to take out the trash that my beloved dog would mercilessly go through if it stayed there any longer) and he couldn't fulfill my needs. Didn't know how, couldn't be bothered or just felt my change of attitude but didn't know what it was I needed. A variety of failures on his behalf that he recognised, but were now explained by realizing we were moving too fast.

And then he dropped the double-edged sword "you are the right girl at the wrong time" on me. He wants to be able to give me everything I need and when I need it, but he can't yet. He is not ready to have someone be "his everything" again, however much he wants it. And he knows I deserve no less than that, therefore he went into asking me if I would be able to wait that undefined period of time, if I wouldn't be better off just finding someone else that provided me more certainty and reassurance. Summarizing, why on earth I chose and was still willing to choose to stick with him.

Many questions that I've been asked by several other people before. I don't have an exact answer, saying "I love him" doesn't quite do it either. The dress is gone, he did that just for me. The fact we were still sitting there and we were actually communicating our needs and feelings, backs my motto of "where there's a will, there is a way." He would be my perfect match if only he were to open up and let it all in.

Although all the harsh and truthful things he said did hurt me, it made me appreciate him for making clear to me where he was at, and what he needed to hopefully get to the next stage. Because that's what he wants too, so he can give me what I need and no less than what I deserve. But it wasn't working out like this. He needs space, and by extent, time.

A few days later he told me that if I wouldn't have understood that, he would've probably called it quits. He can deal with subtle nodges in the right direction, even handling deal-breakers like the dress, but he couldn't put up with me imposing myself on him and his daily life this fast, this soon. 

And I actually did understand. Time and space would be good for me too, actually. To regain independence but also to stop focussing on the little things and focus on the whole. Mainly, why we are in a relationship to begin with. Being constantly involved in what he still considers "his territory" didn't only bring about annoyance when our personalities would clash, it also made me disconnect with my own haven, my mental safe place.

My actions and feelings at the moment were constantly influenced by me worrying more about what I (or him) would be doing and feeling in some time. I couldn't enjoy the present anymore because I worried too much about the future, or even the hypothetical future (the dreaded "what ifs").

I feel like giving ourselves some time apart will make us appreciate more the time we spend together, and will be an asset to our communication, which will eventually help us grow together. He wouldn't have been able to even communicate about this if he hadn't had the time to think it through without being pressured into it, and determine what he was feeling and thinking. And things would've probably exploded rather sooner than later through miscommunication and our strong personalities.

For all clarity, we still are as exclusive and as serious as we were before. He would've given up way before if he didn't want to meet those standards, and I wouldn't want any less either. He just needs more time for plowing through his own grief and adaptation process, and getting where both him and I want him to be, although realistically speaking, that remains a hope and a goal, not a certainty.

Sometimes I want to be like my dog. She never thinks about tomorrow and just enjoys life today. I believe it's a gift.

Instead of spending one night at my place on average, I will be spending a three night minimum at my place. We've fixed days of the week on which to do that, so there is no reason to feel insecure all day because of "what will happen" later (this would take place in my head exclusively, he worries less than me by a thousand). Now I will spend Mondays, Thursdays and Sundays at my place, almost unnegotiable.

Not easy to do for me. I had easily adapted to his place (with the dress gone it will be even easier to feel like a home), his routine and his company, and it's been years since I lived all alone. 

My dog is still with me, of course, and I know already I'll just fall asleep on the couch snuggling up to her instead of going up to my bed by myself most of the nights. But that's OK. If I didn't have a boyfriend I would be "the dog lady" anyway, and probably have a couple more shelter dogs under my care by now. That's still my plan B actually, in case things take a turn for worse.

I struggle each night I'm by myself, because my thoughts will not quit pondering and inciting anxiety out of thin air. If Tomas is not there (whether it be physically or platonically, by text or phone) it's almost impossible to distract myself or hide from all of the "what ifs" this world harbours and my head becomes the national top-notch breeding ground for brooding thoughts.

This has been truly exhausting, both physically and emotionally, and has been showing its effects in all areas of my daily life. I need to get past that myself, and although Tomas' issues aren't helping, he himself has little or no share in my at times poor emotional condition.

As someone amazing who's helped me through some of the dark moments of being alone with my thoughts said: this time and space we give ourselves will be beneficial to us, to appreciate more the moments we spend together, to him so he can organize his thoughts and have solemn moments to process everything and move only forward, and to me, so I can work on winning myself back from the claws of neediness and insecurity and becoming the version of me that would make him fall in love.

You know who you are :)