Open the communication gates, flood the mind.

A lot of things have changed since I spent 4 days of minimum contact and not seeing Tomas.

He promised to take down the dress by Wednesday, yesterday, and I would not come back until it was gone.

Yesterday we had a long, serious talk, which I'm not sharing for the moment being as I have not yet found a way to put it into a coherent story, or figured out my stand in it.

As he's trying to figure out himself, I'm trying to figure things out for myself, and we're trying to figure out our relationship, I think things never have been harder emotionally, especially on me, having a mind that wanders more than I can sometimes handle. Not much of our talk had to do with the actual dress or the emotions involved with that, because those seemed trivial to other issues on Tomas' behalf.

The communication gates have opened and most of it doesn't exactly give reasons to celebrate, but we are communicating and trying to figure out things from here.

And on an absolutely positive note, if there is one thing that does give a reason to celebrate, the dress as of yesterday has gone. I can walk upstairs again free of ghosts.

A wolf in sheep's clothing

Tomas was in a bad and distant mood all of Saturday.

The week had gone by, the dress was still there, and although technically he still had Sunday to take care of it, I knew it wasn't going to happen.

I'd been at the top of my nerves all week, having several breakdowns over unrelated issues that became magnified by the continued presence of the dress. I showed a side of mine that I usually try to supress as much as I can, the clingy, needy and insecure side of me. Again, intensified.

Friday I was distant and even a little apathic (on the surface!) to him. He actually came around and gave me some of his rare spontaneous cuddles and honest affection. He didn't connect the dots though.

I was thinking of drawing my conclusions on Sunday, at the official week's passing. But his attitude towards me on Saturday made me not be able to hold it any longer. I had given him many signs and nudges towards my need for affection, and he had just ignored them, even getting snappy about stupid things.

OK, a bad mood happens to everyone, it's not something I would normally make a big deal about if it was just a one day thing. But when we were watching TV, I explicitly asked for a hug, and when he bluntly denied it to me, saying he didn't feel like it at all, my stomach turned and twisted, and I stared at him open-mouthedly. No reaction.

I sat down again, not grasping what had just happened. Another 30 minutes passed while the knot in my stomach had grown to such a size that I was surprised it didn't show on the outside. I cuddled up against him and asked him to hug me (last chance..), and this time he hugged me tight. Feeling he wasn't careless towards me, I broke down crying because I knew this would be the best moment to ask him about the dress and make a decision.

He was a bit surprised, and asked why I was crying. I asked him what he remembered of our talk last week. He said "we talked about many things..", and I replied in disbelief "are you serious?", and he replied carelessly "oh, you mean the doll?" I said "Yes (the life-like mannequin wearing the dress, yes.)"

"Why haven't you taken it down yet?" I asked.

Credits go to Kym Howard

"I haven't thought about it much, actually." and when he felt my posture stiffen he added "..and when I did think about it, it was at night (duh, you pass by it when we go to bed) and I had forgotten by the morning. Too much stuff going on this week and I didn't get around to it"

"If you would've wanted to you could've made some time for taking it down"

He shrugged and nodded.

"You know how much it meant to me..."

Silence.

I got up and said I was going home. I couldn't deal with it, whatever excuse he had, if he wanted to do it he would've done it. I told him that I couldn't be around waiting any longer, I trusted him when he set the deadline for himself and I wasn't going to sit around waiting for the next deadline, having to cross that thing every day.

I went upstairs to get my things. If my eyes could've beamed fire, I'd stared that dress into flames. I thought that having brought up the issue would result in actions that were going to make our relationship improve, for him as well as for me. Now, it had become a wolf in sheep's clothing and it was about to devour me.

But then again, it wasn't Tereza's fault. I bet she would've taken down the dress if she could. The dress had mentally moved to the background in my mind, and his attitude had become the issue. As I was thinking this, I got really sad and angry at the same time, because he hadn't moved from the couch either, so he was either not thinking I was serious, or he didn't care.

When I came downstairs with my stuff, I put them on the kitchen table. And that's when he came and stood in the doorway. He had this really innocent, surprised look, like he actually didn't know what on earth was going on. He cared, but it made me be more determined.

As I was gathering more things he asked a bit uncertain whether I was taking all my stuff with me.

I said "no, because I'm hoping to come back soon. I want to be with you. But this is a boundary I've set for myself that I need to respect in order to not go crazy while being here. I need to have a break from it, I can't deal anymore with the emotional drain"

"I want to be with you too" he said.

I kept gathering things, tears rolling from my face. I was moved by the sincerity of his tone, and I looked at him.

"Then you know what to do" I replied firmly.

He smirked.

"So what, you think this is funny or what?"

"No, not at all" he said, followed by explaining he was surprised, and had no clue how to act or what to say. He was just standing there helplessly like a child who'd been told off for something he didn't realise was wrong.

That's when I knew my actions were having their effect. He had never expected me to actually go through with leaving, and he never fully understood the importance of getting rid of the dress. It was finally dawning on him.

He came to wipe my tears.

He said he would call his mom on Monday (they were gone for the weekend) to pick up the dress on Wednesday, which is when she comes to pick up Nala too.

I said if he wanted to get it done earlier, he could just do it himself. But he'd rather have someone take care of it that knows how, he said he'd probably break it or something.

I smiled.

He said, also smiling, "so I'll be seeing you tomorrow?"

"Will the dress be gone?" I asked, cutting off the smile.

"Well no.. Not yet"

"Then be sure to let me know when it's gone"

I added that he could always come to see me at my place, but he reiterated that would be difficult with Nala and her bedtimes and going to school etc. And four days wasn't an eternity. I shrugged. He said "I'll be in touch though."

Four consecutive nights apart in a row. We've not spent more than one consecutive night apart since... I can't remember how long. At least 5 months. It will be tough, mostly on me, because I'm not used to being by myself, whereas he's spent most of his time since Tereza's passing by himself. I'm glad I have my dog to rely on, and hopefully put a halt to my mind when it goes wandering again.

Right before leaving, he held me by my waist and hugged me.

He asked if I would be OK being by myself, whether I wouldn't worry even more and feel more sad. I said I'd probably worry just as much, and perhaps feel more sad, but while staying another night might make me feel better for a bit, I also felt my anxiety would return tenfold if I didn't take some time for myself while he made things right. There was nothing for me left to do at his' for the moment being.

He looked into my eyes for a while, wiped my tears again and kissed me very gently on the mouth. He said not to worry too much, that I would be able to come back soon, and then followed by saying those magic four words I have been begging to hear spontaneously from him for months now: ik zie je graag.

A small, bittersweet step

Shortly after my last post ("The" wedding dress), things started outgrowing me. I've been reading and talking about it, and I feel I couldn't keep it in any longer: the presence of the wedding dress had become too much to take.

So I brought it up to him.

I tried the practical approach, saying that within a few years of the dress being there, it will be damaged beyond repair, and he needed to conserve it if it means that much to him, and if he wanted his daughter to be able to perhaps wear it one day.

Turns out he's actually not saving it for his daughter, he said she'd probably never grow attached to it emotionally and he couldn't see her wanting to wear it for her wedding day. He's keeping it put because he doesn't want to take it down, he likes it there.

Then I said, in a honest but loving way, it was bothering me and making me feel like the past was still very much present.

I also said that to me, the dress seemed like a physical barrier reinforcing his psychological barrier of not wanting anyone to be in that top-notch spot in his heart, and that it was a kind of "in my face" with regards to him being unsure he'd ever marry again.

I was crying by then. He said there was no need to cry, and that he didn't understand how it bothered me that much. "It has nothing to do with you" he said. He has never as much as thought of taking it down, and for the moment being he wouldn't do it.

That evolved into us talking about marriage and children again. He said there was still that "extra" something missing from our relationship. He knows how far my feelings for him have grown, and says he is not quite there yet.

He said he's very aware of my desire to get married, and to have children also. And that he also knows I have come to see him as a man I would go down that road with. Because of this, he sometimes feels like he's leading me on, but at other times he feels like it could really work out.

He's always said he'd do those things again with the right person, if everything feels right. But we're missing a component here that makes him fear we might have to end it at one point because he needs to be all-in to do those things, and I won't settle for less either.

I was feeling sad, but also very strong on letting him know that I was willing to be patient and understanding, but the moment things stop moving forward and I have to put his feelings before mine, I would end it.

So I said, without sugarcoating it, that in my opinion, that "component" missing still, was the past still occupying part of his present (I could make this into a linguistic issue again, but I'm not going to!) I bluntly said he had not let go, and therefore there wasn't any room for me. And however slow that process may be, if I don't get the feeling he's willing to go through it and work on it, I am not going to be the one fighting his past. I don't want to feel like I'm "the other woman", because I've been there and done that and if there's anything I learned from my mistakes it was to never go there again.

Tereza's feelings wouldn't be hurt by removing the dress and the pictures (which I added to the discussion, while we were at it), because she's gone. But if they weren't removed even when explicitly stating it as something that hurt me more and more, I would know he isn't ready yet to move on with me, so I'd have to step away. I rephrased that to him as saying "I'd have to reevaluate our relationship".

He concurred that he may not be ready. That he probably hasn't let go yet, and wasn't ready to think of another woman occupying "that" first place. His emotions aren't ready for moving on in the whole sense of the word (i.e. starting a future all-in, not like the past was never there, but like the present is to be his future). And he also admitted marriage and children were not yet on his mind.

It definitely was tough hearing this. It's nothing new but I had expected him to be more understanding of this particular issue I had with the dress. To get into all the rest of insecurities wasn't helping either.

We sat there, at his kitchen table, opposite to one another. As I explained more why the dress bothered me, and reiterated that I'm not going to through "being second" again, he brought up the things he had changed for me, and the parts he has put a conscious effort in improving (for example, trying to anticipate more on my need for cuddling.) He also stated that he knows I'm not fully letting myself dive into this because of him holding back, and that if he would open up we could be each other's "everything". He said he wanted to but, again, wasn't there yet.

And then I heard him say something that made my tears flow even more, for various reasons. He was rather talking to himself and reflecting than directing it towards me when he said:

"However, if we were to give up on it altogether and end this, I think I would forever regret doing so, for letting you go."

He didn't know, that however different both of our perspectives are on this, I feel the exact same way. Sharing that thought made me pull up my knees to my chest on that chair in his kitchen, and I wept like a baby while I was trying to say anything to what really was a rhetoric comment.

That's when he got up, came to stand next to me, opened his arms and said "come, let me hug you". I was feeling so torn that I shook my head, and hugged my knees instead. If he wasn't willing to make this "sacrifice" for me and take down the dress, he wouldn't have to try to appease me with smaller gestures of love he knows I like.

He stood there, still open-armed, and by the look of his face he was genuinely wanting to hug me, not just because I was in desperate need of one. He gently took my elbow and pulled it towards him.

I got up, and he grabbed me tight. I let the tears flow freely in his neck, and I felt almost like it would be our last comforting hug.

He was stroking my back and kissed my hair when he said softly "If it really causes you that much pain to have the dress there, I will take it down this week"

I didn't know what to respond, so I just kept crying, for different reasons now. After a while I lifted my head from his neck and said "But I thought... Are you serious, you'll do that for me?" It may sound more enthusiastic on paper, but my tone of voice was "surprise", with a hint of disbelief.

He looked at me and said "Yes, I'll do that for you". And then he quickly dropped the romanticisms and became his uplifting self when he said "well don't ask me when or how, and don't go asking me about it every day, but I'll get it done, I promise." Added by a joking "don't you pass a dry cleaner's on your way to work?"

I sat down again, wiped my tears, and said that I wasn't going to touch that dress. Even though Tereza can't feel anymore, to me that would be disrespectful. Also, and I didn't say this out loud, I want him to do it. Follow through with his promise to me, perhaps do a little soul-searching and grieving while at it. Give the dress a place in his attic (boxed up please!), and Tereza a less prominent place in his heart.

He said he'd probably ask his mom to take it to the dry cleaner's, because he has a busy week ahead. All fine by me, but by Saturday next week, if that dress isn't gone, I will have to start to "reevaluate our relationship".

And while he was thinking his mom would be best for the job, he said he'd ask a friend of Tereza's to clean out "the picture cabinet". It's where she had kept all the photos (actually developed on paper), albums, cards, etc. I discovered it by accident, and he never goes through it but he said it would be time that gets cleaned out as well.

He did add he wanted something special to be made of it, like an album or a collage for Nala, but even though I wanted to shout "no more shrines", I let it slide. He did name a couple of people fit for the job, and actually "discarded" some of them (like her best friend ever) on the grounds of "being too emotional" or "still too attached to Tereza". Practical as he is, he wants to get the job done without too much sentimentality.

Some pictures that are on display he doesn't even want to argue about, they're staying up (one on his laptop-background, and a black and white one of Tereza and Nala as a baby, on an easel), but the wedding picture, a wedding-gift canvas with well-wishings and a big picture of them kissing in the middle, and a few more he said could go. I hope he does that himself.

For now, I'm again hopeful. But there are short-term conditions that need to be fulfilled, or the long-term conditions won't even be worth worrying about. Once the dress is gone, I can get back to worrying about those, as he reopened that box of Pandora.

But I hope that making this sacrifice for me will make him close a bit of the box of Tereza.

My dog Lola on the beach, watching the sun set. It's a routine that all of us have become used to and perhaps appreciate less than we should, because how wonderful isn't it that everytime the sun sets, we know it will rise again the very next day?

"The" wedding dress

Tereza had the most beautiful wedding dress.

It's fairy- and princess-like but it's far from being over the top or too sugary. It's actually quite plain, a full  skirt with little details but no tail, and a corset attached to it that's romantically semi-transparent at the back. It has fine lace-flower details, that have little shiny stones on them and are placed in a way that they kind of whirl upwards toward the neckline, where they form a really fine, nice necklace.

Hard to imagine just by my description, I figure, but I would feel a bit guilty posting a picture to share with the world. Let's leave it at that it's a stylish, romantic dress, the kind I would wear too.

Tomas loves it too. So much that it's put on display on a mannequin at the staircase of the second floor of his house, shoes placed underneath and everything. Whether he placed it there or she did, I never asked, it's just there.

The first few times I slept over, to get up and pee at night was an eerie business. You have to pass by the mannequin when going from his room to the bathroom. In the dark, the white of the dress kind of glows in the dark, especially when there's moonlight coming in from outside. Not to mention a mannequin has a humanoid shape, so still drowsy from sleep my mind would have a hard time assimilating the reality of that "thing" in the corner.

Now, 6 months later, it's still there and I've gotten used to it being there. I sometimes stop to look at it, thinking it could use a trip to the dry-cleaner's as it's gotten greyish on the lace-details, and a bit dusty. When I vacuumed his house during the past holidays (he never does it and I suspect his cleaning lady often skips the "unused" corners - what man would ever notice, right?) I even lifted the skirt and the shoes to make sure all the dust and cobwebs building up underneath were gone, because I felt like no one ever did that. I've come to respect the dress like I respect Tereza, but its physical presence is also a constant reminder of her being present there once. Particularly on that day she wore it.

Tomas sees it differently. When I asked him once about whether he ever thought of moving it, he said he had, but thought it was too beautiful to put in a box. He doesn't ever stop to look at it anymore, it's become part of the house like a painting on the wall, but he does want his daughter to be able to see it. Upon that I suggested he then put it in her room, out of direct direct sight in a "common area" like the staircase and the passage way at his second floor but far from being hidden in a box. He waved away that idea. Maybe a child's room isn't fit for the deceased mother's dress, but the staircase and passage way I tread almost every night and morning is...?

We haven't gone back to discussing the dress being there, and although back then I felt like we were discussing the presence of the dress, now there are moments when I think we might have been discussing another presence. But that's just thinking in hindsight and I may be off.

When seeing pictures of their wedding day, both of them looked radiant and gorgeous. I see him on those and I think I would've fallen in love at first sight (given, he was 6 years younger than he is now, but you catch my drift.) She looks beautiful, and the dress look enchanting on her. In mint condition, too.

We were watching this American TV show where girls go on their hunt for the perfect wedding dress according to their bodies and size. I had ordered my dress for Newyear's Eve online, and I was describing it to Tomas. He said it sounded lovely, I would look nice in it. Upon seeing some of the dresses on TV he started talking about Tereza's wedding dress, telling she described it to him after she had tried it on in the store and he thought "oh god, it's going to be one of those over-the-top dresses" and he thought he wouldn't like it. Until he saw it. He found it to be the most original and most beautiful wedding dress ever.

And then he said: "you know, it actually would look really good on you too." I laughed, not really knowing how to react, and said it probably would, honestly but also lightly adding I liked it, I could even have bought it myself.

He then followed by saying: "you should try it on someday. Just for fun, to see if it fits and what you look like in it"

I didn't see THAT coming. What am I supposed to say to that? He was talking lightheartedly, but not as a joke. He actually saw some fun in me trying it on. I felt differently. Taking down or even moving that dress was one bridge too far, but his girlfriend trying on the actual dress his deceased wife wore on their wedding day was completely fine, even fun?

I must be honest and say I was truly tempted. On one hand I was curious to see how it would look on me. I had never tried on anything even close to a wedding dress, and I bet it gives a special feel. On the other hand, there would be a whole other creepy feel to it that I wasn't sure how to deal with. Either way I felt a bit honoured, sort of a like it was guilty pleasure that was granted to only me.

And then there was another aspect that made me think and rethink the idea of wearing her dress. What if he sees me in it, and while wearing it changes his mind and feel like he was disrespecting her (and me, being in the dress, his accomplice)? Or, going the other way, he sees me in it and suddenly makes a click in his head that I may one day be his beautiful bride?

OK, too many emotions and "what if's", so I decided not to wear it. For now. I may change my mind.


Ironically, some other time when I was looking for a dress to wear for a dinner with his family we were talking about a special dress they had bought for her while on vacation in Brasil. Nothing extraordinary, just a very pretty and original dress that you could wear on more festive occasions. I never saw it, because it's in one of the boxes he keeps in the attic, containing her clothes. But it came up that day and he said I would look amazing in it.

I said "oh well then perhaps I should try it on?", not entirely serious about it but hey, I was curious and it wasn't a wedding dress.

He looked at me for a bit, frowned and then shook his head "Ahm.. No. That would just be weird. You wearing the clothes she wore, it would feel wrong"

I reminded him of the wedding dress, that he wouldn't have minded that, even better, he came up with the idea himself.

"Yeah, but that's different" he said.

No more, no less. I am unable to understand his reasoning. Their vacation to Brasil was memorable, and very special and fun, and a dress might be a great memory of that, but for it to have more value than her wedding dress that is a symbol of their marriage and their wedding day? That's beyond me.

I remain baffled thinking about it, and truly have no idea what to make of it or how to feel towards it all, his suggestion to try on the wedding dress or his reaction when I suggested to try on the Brasil-bought dress. I may still try on the wedding dress, possibly only to see how he will react. Possibly to see how I would look in a wedding dress, or so he can see what I look like in one. Maybe better even, a different one?

But that's borderline my questions about marriage, which I will address in a different post.