A wolf in sheep's clothing

Tomas was in a bad and distant mood all of Saturday.

The week had gone by, the dress was still there, and although technically he still had Sunday to take care of it, I knew it wasn't going to happen.

I'd been at the top of my nerves all week, having several breakdowns over unrelated issues that became magnified by the continued presence of the dress. I showed a side of mine that I usually try to supress as much as I can, the clingy, needy and insecure side of me. Again, intensified.

Friday I was distant and even a little apathic (on the surface!) to him. He actually came around and gave me some of his rare spontaneous cuddles and honest affection. He didn't connect the dots though.

I was thinking of drawing my conclusions on Sunday, at the official week's passing. But his attitude towards me on Saturday made me not be able to hold it any longer. I had given him many signs and nudges towards my need for affection, and he had just ignored them, even getting snappy about stupid things.

OK, a bad mood happens to everyone, it's not something I would normally make a big deal about if it was just a one day thing. But when we were watching TV, I explicitly asked for a hug, and when he bluntly denied it to me, saying he didn't feel like it at all, my stomach turned and twisted, and I stared at him open-mouthedly. No reaction.

I sat down again, not grasping what had just happened. Another 30 minutes passed while the knot in my stomach had grown to such a size that I was surprised it didn't show on the outside. I cuddled up against him and asked him to hug me (last chance..), and this time he hugged me tight. Feeling he wasn't careless towards me, I broke down crying because I knew this would be the best moment to ask him about the dress and make a decision.

He was a bit surprised, and asked why I was crying. I asked him what he remembered of our talk last week. He said "we talked about many things..", and I replied in disbelief "are you serious?", and he replied carelessly "oh, you mean the doll?" I said "Yes (the life-like mannequin wearing the dress, yes.)"

"Why haven't you taken it down yet?" I asked.

Credits go to Kym Howard

"I haven't thought about it much, actually." and when he felt my posture stiffen he added "..and when I did think about it, it was at night (duh, you pass by it when we go to bed) and I had forgotten by the morning. Too much stuff going on this week and I didn't get around to it"

"If you would've wanted to you could've made some time for taking it down"

He shrugged and nodded.

"You know how much it meant to me..."

Silence.

I got up and said I was going home. I couldn't deal with it, whatever excuse he had, if he wanted to do it he would've done it. I told him that I couldn't be around waiting any longer, I trusted him when he set the deadline for himself and I wasn't going to sit around waiting for the next deadline, having to cross that thing every day.

I went upstairs to get my things. If my eyes could've beamed fire, I'd stared that dress into flames. I thought that having brought up the issue would result in actions that were going to make our relationship improve, for him as well as for me. Now, it had become a wolf in sheep's clothing and it was about to devour me.

But then again, it wasn't Tereza's fault. I bet she would've taken down the dress if she could. The dress had mentally moved to the background in my mind, and his attitude had become the issue. As I was thinking this, I got really sad and angry at the same time, because he hadn't moved from the couch either, so he was either not thinking I was serious, or he didn't care.

When I came downstairs with my stuff, I put them on the kitchen table. And that's when he came and stood in the doorway. He had this really innocent, surprised look, like he actually didn't know what on earth was going on. He cared, but it made me be more determined.

As I was gathering more things he asked a bit uncertain whether I was taking all my stuff with me.

I said "no, because I'm hoping to come back soon. I want to be with you. But this is a boundary I've set for myself that I need to respect in order to not go crazy while being here. I need to have a break from it, I can't deal anymore with the emotional drain"

"I want to be with you too" he said.

I kept gathering things, tears rolling from my face. I was moved by the sincerity of his tone, and I looked at him.

"Then you know what to do" I replied firmly.

He smirked.

"So what, you think this is funny or what?"

"No, not at all" he said, followed by explaining he was surprised, and had no clue how to act or what to say. He was just standing there helplessly like a child who'd been told off for something he didn't realise was wrong.

That's when I knew my actions were having their effect. He had never expected me to actually go through with leaving, and he never fully understood the importance of getting rid of the dress. It was finally dawning on him.

He came to wipe my tears.

He said he would call his mom on Monday (they were gone for the weekend) to pick up the dress on Wednesday, which is when she comes to pick up Nala too.

I said if he wanted to get it done earlier, he could just do it himself. But he'd rather have someone take care of it that knows how, he said he'd probably break it or something.

I smiled.

He said, also smiling, "so I'll be seeing you tomorrow?"

"Will the dress be gone?" I asked, cutting off the smile.

"Well no.. Not yet"

"Then be sure to let me know when it's gone"

I added that he could always come to see me at my place, but he reiterated that would be difficult with Nala and her bedtimes and going to school etc. And four days wasn't an eternity. I shrugged. He said "I'll be in touch though."

Four consecutive nights apart in a row. We've not spent more than one consecutive night apart since... I can't remember how long. At least 5 months. It will be tough, mostly on me, because I'm not used to being by myself, whereas he's spent most of his time since Tereza's passing by himself. I'm glad I have my dog to rely on, and hopefully put a halt to my mind when it goes wandering again.

Right before leaving, he held me by my waist and hugged me.

He asked if I would be OK being by myself, whether I wouldn't worry even more and feel more sad. I said I'd probably worry just as much, and perhaps feel more sad, but while staying another night might make me feel better for a bit, I also felt my anxiety would return tenfold if I didn't take some time for myself while he made things right. There was nothing for me left to do at his' for the moment being.

He looked into my eyes for a while, wiped my tears again and kissed me very gently on the mouth. He said not to worry too much, that I would be able to come back soon, and then followed by saying those magic four words I have been begging to hear spontaneously from him for months now: ik zie je graag.