Time and space

Tomas and I have agreed on spending less time together. Nothing too drastical, and substantially it doesn't mean our relationship should be any different, but it will create a time and space for introspection and evaluation.

In retrospect, the four days I had left and came back only when the dress had gone, have been an eye-opener.

We were moving too fast, and he needs more space. More than I do, definitely, but I need the space too to get myself straightened out and be the strong and independent woman I know I can be. No lesser version of me can deal with this relationship, or life in general (or at least not in a satisfactory way).


Rewind a week, when I didn't have the energy or the mindset to find words to post anything more than a quick update.

The night I came back after the dress had gone, we went out to dinner, and he told me about everything he had realized during the time we were apart. Many harsh truths, amongst them he told me he had even considered breaking up. He felt smothered by my presence and was worried I would not be able to take a step back in our relationship and slow things down so he had thought of breaking up as a last resort.

Less obvious to me during the last month or so, when he explained it to me I realised he was right. It was like we were practically living together, and neither him or our relationship are ready for that yet. He has been living by himself with his daughter for nearly three years before meeting me, and he was not ready to give up his routines, his habits and his solitary moments. Also because I make myself noted in a household and he is a quirky man, but really it has to do more with him not being ready yet to completely move on.

He explained there had been times over the past weeks where he knew I needed certain things from him (whether it be affection, communication, or just for him to take out the trash that my beloved dog would mercilessly go through if it stayed there any longer) and he couldn't fulfill my needs. Didn't know how, couldn't be bothered or just felt my change of attitude but didn't know what it was I needed. A variety of failures on his behalf that he recognised, but were now explained by realizing we were moving too fast.

And then he dropped the double-edged sword "you are the right girl at the wrong time" on me. He wants to be able to give me everything I need and when I need it, but he can't yet. He is not ready to have someone be "his everything" again, however much he wants it. And he knows I deserve no less than that, therefore he went into asking me if I would be able to wait that undefined period of time, if I wouldn't be better off just finding someone else that provided me more certainty and reassurance. Summarizing, why on earth I chose and was still willing to choose to stick with him.

Many questions that I've been asked by several other people before. I don't have an exact answer, saying "I love him" doesn't quite do it either. The dress is gone, he did that just for me. The fact we were still sitting there and we were actually communicating our needs and feelings, backs my motto of "where there's a will, there is a way." He would be my perfect match if only he were to open up and let it all in.

Although all the harsh and truthful things he said did hurt me, it made me appreciate him for making clear to me where he was at, and what he needed to hopefully get to the next stage. Because that's what he wants too, so he can give me what I need and no less than what I deserve. But it wasn't working out like this. He needs space, and by extent, time.

A few days later he told me that if I wouldn't have understood that, he would've probably called it quits. He can deal with subtle nodges in the right direction, even handling deal-breakers like the dress, but he couldn't put up with me imposing myself on him and his daily life this fast, this soon. 

And I actually did understand. Time and space would be good for me too, actually. To regain independence but also to stop focussing on the little things and focus on the whole. Mainly, why we are in a relationship to begin with. Being constantly involved in what he still considers "his territory" didn't only bring about annoyance when our personalities would clash, it also made me disconnect with my own haven, my mental safe place.

My actions and feelings at the moment were constantly influenced by me worrying more about what I (or him) would be doing and feeling in some time. I couldn't enjoy the present anymore because I worried too much about the future, or even the hypothetical future (the dreaded "what ifs").

I feel like giving ourselves some time apart will make us appreciate more the time we spend together, and will be an asset to our communication, which will eventually help us grow together. He wouldn't have been able to even communicate about this if he hadn't had the time to think it through without being pressured into it, and determine what he was feeling and thinking. And things would've probably exploded rather sooner than later through miscommunication and our strong personalities.

For all clarity, we still are as exclusive and as serious as we were before. He would've given up way before if he didn't want to meet those standards, and I wouldn't want any less either. He just needs more time for plowing through his own grief and adaptation process, and getting where both him and I want him to be, although realistically speaking, that remains a hope and a goal, not a certainty.

Sometimes I want to be like my dog. She never thinks about tomorrow and just enjoys life today. I believe it's a gift.

Instead of spending one night at my place on average, I will be spending a three night minimum at my place. We've fixed days of the week on which to do that, so there is no reason to feel insecure all day because of "what will happen" later (this would take place in my head exclusively, he worries less than me by a thousand). Now I will spend Mondays, Thursdays and Sundays at my place, almost unnegotiable.

Not easy to do for me. I had easily adapted to his place (with the dress gone it will be even easier to feel like a home), his routine and his company, and it's been years since I lived all alone. 

My dog is still with me, of course, and I know already I'll just fall asleep on the couch snuggling up to her instead of going up to my bed by myself most of the nights. But that's OK. If I didn't have a boyfriend I would be "the dog lady" anyway, and probably have a couple more shelter dogs under my care by now. That's still my plan B actually, in case things take a turn for worse.

I struggle each night I'm by myself, because my thoughts will not quit pondering and inciting anxiety out of thin air. If Tomas is not there (whether it be physically or platonically, by text or phone) it's almost impossible to distract myself or hide from all of the "what ifs" this world harbours and my head becomes the national top-notch breeding ground for brooding thoughts.

This has been truly exhausting, both physically and emotionally, and has been showing its effects in all areas of my daily life. I need to get past that myself, and although Tomas' issues aren't helping, he himself has little or no share in my at times poor emotional condition.

As someone amazing who's helped me through some of the dark moments of being alone with my thoughts said: this time and space we give ourselves will be beneficial to us, to appreciate more the moments we spend together, to him so he can organize his thoughts and have solemn moments to process everything and move only forward, and to me, so I can work on winning myself back from the claws of neediness and insecurity and becoming the version of me that would make him fall in love.

You know who you are :)

To like, to love, and the in between : a matter of emotional linguistics

In Spain I did my university in Spanish philology, which is a fancy name for the study of the literature and linguistics of the Spanish language. Still my favorite, and besides still dreaming in that language every once in a while, I find myself unable to express certain things in any other language besides Spanish.

I could pass for a native in Spanish, as well as in English, however, my native tongue is Flemish (aka Dutch). A complicated Germanic language with many quirks and archaic remnants (especially in the spelling-area), I have yet to meet someone who isn't a native that speaks it perfectly. It is this language that now provides me with a concept that can neither be translated into Spanish or English.

"Graag zien" is a verb that identifies a feeling in between friendship and love. It's more than just "to like" someone, but it's not yet "to love" in the romantic sense of the word. You can "graag zien" someone like your sister, your best friend or your dog, but in those cases it's used interchangeably with "to love", and using either of them doesn't create any awkwardness because everyone involved knows it's not in the romantic sense of the word but both words acknowledge how dear the "direct objects" are to the person using the verb.

In romantic relationships it's a bit different. Unlike in English, where "love" is thrown around even to describe a pair of shoes, in Dutch "houden van" (to love) someone is weighty and serious. Saying it implies a load of commitment and devotion, it requires courage and is usually well thought through before being uttered. Responding to it affirmatively can mean the world to the other partner. We even use the English phrase "I love you" in Dutch just because it feels less packed with emotion and doesn't put as much pressure on the other person.

I've only said I love you (with the Dutch meaning behind, not the often too light-hearted English version) to one person in my life, to the Spanish guy I was with for 7 years. Even towards my parents I feel more comfortable using "graag zien" because, well, it implies less.

A different area in linguistics: syntax. Nothing to do with my emotions -I actually kind of resented the subject-, but a nice syntactic tree in English breaks down the Spanish "te amo" (which basically nobody uses, it's like "I love you" times ten, "I adore you" in a very thick way - nobody in Spain pertaining to my generation takes that phrase seriously). I thought it would fit this post though.

Tomas doesn't love me. He ziet me graag. A lot, he says. But he hasn't fallen in love, something that usually leads to "loving" someone. It all comes down to semantics, as every word's is backed by a conventional meaning in society, but whereas some people don't pay attention to the subtle nuances it can mean a world of difference to others who do. Both Tomas and I are very aware of the meaning of all these words and what they convey at expressing them.

I've kept "love" at a distance since we started dating, mainly due to past experiences when I gave everything for love and it backfired big time. When Tomas would pick up on the boundaries I set for myself at the beginning, he told me I could trust him and should let go of my fears, and let in whatever feelings would come around as he had no intentions of hurting me and wanted me to be able to be myself.

So I let go, eventually, because I wanted to love again and be loved. I didn't madly fall in love, but it's more than "graag zien". It surely could evolve to even a lot more, but I've started pressing the break on my feelings every once in a while, only because he himself hasn't opened up yet. There's a nagging voice at the back of my head that keeps saying "what if he won't ever fall in love again and I'm just wasting my time". He doesn't know whether he will. He wants to, and everything feels right except for "something" that's still missing, he says.

What is that "something"? Is it the fact that I am not, and won't ever be Tereza? Is it perhaps a switch in his head that acts like a green light, a mind-set that he has to let go of in order to move on and knowing it's ok to do so? I can't figure it out, and neither can he.

In general he's not a sentimental person, he has his own way of grieving that I can't identify nor recognise, leave alone anticipate. He has a warm personality but emotionally often comes over as cold and distant. As I said in my previous post (Save the date), he has emotionally shut himself off. He's always said he's ready to move on, he gets full support from his family and friends who are all thrilled that he is "opening up" again to someone (or that's how it seems to them) and has found love.

But lately he has been doubting that, and I have too along with him. He is getting worried because he feels like he should by now, going on 6 months, feel different from what he actually feels. He has had moments where he expressed his worries, his impatience and his uncertainty. I've tried telling him it's impossible to feel the way he felt when he met Tereza, he's 10 years older now and has gone through a lot. It just won't be the same, with anyone for that matter, but if he opens up completely it might be as good, just in a different way. And that's when his reaction (or rather, lack thereof) makes me think he might not yet be ready.

But we have come this far, I am by no means willing to give up, and neither is he. I am at the threshold of his locked up feelings, farther than anyone besides his late wife has ever gotten, and I cherish him too much and hope time will do the rest. On the upside, he says the feelings he has towards me compare to those he had for Tereza 5 years into their relationship, a sort of established love that won't go away easily. But that's not enough to settle for either, even if I say so myself.

Can I unlock his feelings? Can I get to the core of his emotions, and moreover, will he let me go there? Or will I be hurt in the process? It's like a coin on it's side, it can go either way. Sometimes it's slanted more to one side, sometimes more to the other side, and however much I want to rush I can't.

I'm trying not to think too much about the linguistics of it all. I tend to overanalyse everything he (or anyone for that matter) says, based on the meaning of his words, but I'm trying hard not to. Besides creating uncertainty, it doesn't get me anywhere.