When fear becomes reality

As of Sunday, Tomas and I are on a break.

Valentine's Day went well, he didn't get me any presents but he surprised me with a candlelight dinner and he cooked one of my favourite meals. And he promised me an elaborate massage for one of the following days.

I had only received the smaller pictures I had ordered by then, but he liked them and we put them in the frames that same day. He was curious for the collages, even excited I may say. We had a nice night, although after some wine we started talking about the future. Or lack thereof.

He talked about his fear for commitment, which has surfaced now that after almost 8 months I've come closer than anyone besides Tereza. He is convinced I will walk out at one point, like, according to him, "everyone does sooner or later". We talked for a long time and before going to bed I assured him I wouldn't walk out on him ever, unless he starts acting like an utter jackass of course (someone had to lighten the mood..) He hugged me and grabbed me tight, gave me a couple of soft kisses, I guess in appreciation of what I said. I felt all was good, still a long road to go, but spending more time apart made the moments together wonderful.


Saturday we had 2 couples over for dinner, two of Tereza's best friends and their partners. Great people, we had a lot of fun, and after dinner we went out to a concert/party being held not too far.

We had a blast. We were dancing, laughing, talking, just enjoying ourselves. Both of Tereza's friends told me (seperately) how happy we seemed, and how glad they were to see Tomas like this. They hadn't seen him like this since Tereza. They were genuinely happy for us and talked about what a great match we were.

Later on I learned they had talked to him too and said the same, and he agreed that things were really working out and he was glad to have found me.

All good, and I felt like it was another night that we spent like a happy couple, and I saw a bright future ahead. Until we got into the car. And then the flood came.

By the time we got home, he was basically breaking up with me.

I couldn't believe what was happening. I cried and cried and cried. I felt like my heart was being ripped out and a bulldozer was passing back and forth over it. Things were going so well, how did this happen?

As I've heard from other ladies dating a widower, this isn't unusual to happen. The widower thinks he's ready to move on with someone new, starts dating, things become serious and he convinces the new woman that he is ready (and he truly thinks he is too), and when that someone is finally convinced he may be really ready, they open their hearts to him and basically go for it.

And then fear strikes. Panic. Guilt. Doubt. Grief. They crawl back into their shell.

This is exactly what happened. He is no longer sure he can build a new future with someone, for the moment being. He is no longer sure he is ready. He is no longer sure that he will eventually fall madly in love with me, if by now it hasn't happened yet. He is no longer sure he can continue doing this without feeling 100% committed.

Four months ago he was the one convincing ME this would work out, that I shouldn't doubt, why, because he didn't. We weren't there yet, but he felt like he could get there with me. I wasn't in for the 150% I usually put in a committed relationship, because although he had convinced me, there was always a little voice in the back of my head telling me to be cautious. But with all the things we went through and the progress we made, I was at 100% of giving myself to him.

And then he shuts down. He cares deeply about me, and he hates to hurt me. But he can't do it. And, honest as he is, he says that although he thinks of me as his partner in all ways, he thinks this on a day-to-day basis. And he can't seem to pull away from that short-term notion, therefore he fears I will evolve to be his friend-with-benefits sooner or later. He doesn't find that fair to me (damn right), or to himself.

He is fully aware that all evolution stops at his inability to commit to the long-term and his failure to open up.

I tried to convince him like he convinced me over and over some time ago.

Especially because I wasn't demanding more time apart, but he needed it so I gave it to him for our relationship's sake, and appreciated the decision. I was understanding and patient, and in hindsight it was the best thing we could do. It brought about a real improvement in our relationship. We really clicked and I could do nothing but trust this was going well and definitely headed in the right direction.

He had removed the dress at my request, and he was actively involving me in all areas in his life. No major changes, but I felt in every way like I was his partner. And I felt happy by his side, confident in the progress and our future together. We were doing all the right things.

It is rather simple now. He hasn't grieved enough, and didn't think this through. I think if I achieved anything by trying to convince him, it is that we are now on a break instead of broken up.

He says he needs time to figure out how he really feels. It is heart-wrecking but I can't distract him from that. He needs to figure out where he is at in his own mind and heart, something he never took the time to do.

From the days we spent apart, he felt like it really wouldn't be so hard for him to go back to his life before me. Talk about a bullet to the heart. He now wants to have some (more) space, time and solemnity to see whether he will miss me and whether he has more feelings for me than meet the eye. Whether he can put his feelings for Tereza where they belong, in the past, and his feelings for me in the present, all in.

I foreshadowed in my post Save the date how Tereza's birthday would be way harder on him than her day of death in December, that I needed to brace myself for that one. And guess what day it is in 10 days.... She would've turned 30 this year. And that's exactly what he calls it, her 30th birthday. I will write more on this later on, but undoubtedly this has been a mayor trigger for his sudden fall-back.

This period of time I will need to work on myself, getting healthy and strong on my own. I have to let go for now, which is harder than I ever imagined because I can't get rid of the hope that everything will work out fine, just like he promised me and just like it felt we were getting to. It is truly tearing me apart.

I don't only miss him more than ever, I am hurt to see him take so many steps back at once and pull me right under. I also don't know what attitude to have when he does contact me or if we were to see each other. Do I show him my love and hope, so it might argue in my favor? Or do I show I am hurt and angry, so he really gets a feel of what life would be without me?

I have no idea. I honestly don't know what to do, think, feel or say.

He said it's not goobye, and he would be in touch anyway (it's been close to 48hrs now though). He said his door was open for me and anything I needed, he wasn't going to drop me like a brick, and I could contact him whenever. When I asked what I should do with the collages for Valentine's, he said he would very much like to see them and have them, I should come drop them off whenever I want. I received them by mail yesterday, and they made me cry. They're in my car, but I'm holding on to them unless he asks me about them.

I asked him to tell me when and if he misses me. He said I'd notice. I told him I wanted to hear it and he said he would tell me. As I was leaving his house, I said one more thing: he should think very carefully about what he is about to throw away.

For now, what is there left to do but wait? Hurt and wait and hope for the best?

Although I feel way less strong than this sentence would indicate, it fits the situation very well. It is all so unfair.