When fear becomes reality

As of Sunday, Tomas and I are on a break.

Valentine's Day went well, he didn't get me any presents but he surprised me with a candlelight dinner and he cooked one of my favourite meals. And he promised me an elaborate massage for one of the following days.

I had only received the smaller pictures I had ordered by then, but he liked them and we put them in the frames that same day. He was curious for the collages, even excited I may say. We had a nice night, although after some wine we started talking about the future. Or lack thereof.

He talked about his fear for commitment, which has surfaced now that after almost 8 months I've come closer than anyone besides Tereza. He is convinced I will walk out at one point, like, according to him, "everyone does sooner or later". We talked for a long time and before going to bed I assured him I wouldn't walk out on him ever, unless he starts acting like an utter jackass of course (someone had to lighten the mood..) He hugged me and grabbed me tight, gave me a couple of soft kisses, I guess in appreciation of what I said. I felt all was good, still a long road to go, but spending more time apart made the moments together wonderful.


Saturday we had 2 couples over for dinner, two of Tereza's best friends and their partners. Great people, we had a lot of fun, and after dinner we went out to a concert/party being held not too far.

We had a blast. We were dancing, laughing, talking, just enjoying ourselves. Both of Tereza's friends told me (seperately) how happy we seemed, and how glad they were to see Tomas like this. They hadn't seen him like this since Tereza. They were genuinely happy for us and talked about what a great match we were.

Later on I learned they had talked to him too and said the same, and he agreed that things were really working out and he was glad to have found me.

All good, and I felt like it was another night that we spent like a happy couple, and I saw a bright future ahead. Until we got into the car. And then the flood came.

By the time we got home, he was basically breaking up with me.

I couldn't believe what was happening. I cried and cried and cried. I felt like my heart was being ripped out and a bulldozer was passing back and forth over it. Things were going so well, how did this happen?

As I've heard from other ladies dating a widower, this isn't unusual to happen. The widower thinks he's ready to move on with someone new, starts dating, things become serious and he convinces the new woman that he is ready (and he truly thinks he is too), and when that someone is finally convinced he may be really ready, they open their hearts to him and basically go for it.

And then fear strikes. Panic. Guilt. Doubt. Grief. They crawl back into their shell.

This is exactly what happened. He is no longer sure he can build a new future with someone, for the moment being. He is no longer sure he is ready. He is no longer sure that he will eventually fall madly in love with me, if by now it hasn't happened yet. He is no longer sure he can continue doing this without feeling 100% committed.

Four months ago he was the one convincing ME this would work out, that I shouldn't doubt, why, because he didn't. We weren't there yet, but he felt like he could get there with me. I wasn't in for the 150% I usually put in a committed relationship, because although he had convinced me, there was always a little voice in the back of my head telling me to be cautious. But with all the things we went through and the progress we made, I was at 100% of giving myself to him.

And then he shuts down. He cares deeply about me, and he hates to hurt me. But he can't do it. And, honest as he is, he says that although he thinks of me as his partner in all ways, he thinks this on a day-to-day basis. And he can't seem to pull away from that short-term notion, therefore he fears I will evolve to be his friend-with-benefits sooner or later. He doesn't find that fair to me (damn right), or to himself.

He is fully aware that all evolution stops at his inability to commit to the long-term and his failure to open up.

I tried to convince him like he convinced me over and over some time ago.

Especially because I wasn't demanding more time apart, but he needed it so I gave it to him for our relationship's sake, and appreciated the decision. I was understanding and patient, and in hindsight it was the best thing we could do. It brought about a real improvement in our relationship. We really clicked and I could do nothing but trust this was going well and definitely headed in the right direction.

He had removed the dress at my request, and he was actively involving me in all areas in his life. No major changes, but I felt in every way like I was his partner. And I felt happy by his side, confident in the progress and our future together. We were doing all the right things.

It is rather simple now. He hasn't grieved enough, and didn't think this through. I think if I achieved anything by trying to convince him, it is that we are now on a break instead of broken up.

He says he needs time to figure out how he really feels. It is heart-wrecking but I can't distract him from that. He needs to figure out where he is at in his own mind and heart, something he never took the time to do.

From the days we spent apart, he felt like it really wouldn't be so hard for him to go back to his life before me. Talk about a bullet to the heart. He now wants to have some (more) space, time and solemnity to see whether he will miss me and whether he has more feelings for me than meet the eye. Whether he can put his feelings for Tereza where they belong, in the past, and his feelings for me in the present, all in.

I foreshadowed in my post Save the date how Tereza's birthday would be way harder on him than her day of death in December, that I needed to brace myself for that one. And guess what day it is in 10 days.... She would've turned 30 this year. And that's exactly what he calls it, her 30th birthday. I will write more on this later on, but undoubtedly this has been a mayor trigger for his sudden fall-back.

This period of time I will need to work on myself, getting healthy and strong on my own. I have to let go for now, which is harder than I ever imagined because I can't get rid of the hope that everything will work out fine, just like he promised me and just like it felt we were getting to. It is truly tearing me apart.

I don't only miss him more than ever, I am hurt to see him take so many steps back at once and pull me right under. I also don't know what attitude to have when he does contact me or if we were to see each other. Do I show him my love and hope, so it might argue in my favor? Or do I show I am hurt and angry, so he really gets a feel of what life would be without me?

I have no idea. I honestly don't know what to do, think, feel or say.

He said it's not goobye, and he would be in touch anyway (it's been close to 48hrs now though). He said his door was open for me and anything I needed, he wasn't going to drop me like a brick, and I could contact him whenever. When I asked what I should do with the collages for Valentine's, he said he would very much like to see them and have them, I should come drop them off whenever I want. I received them by mail yesterday, and they made me cry. They're in my car, but I'm holding on to them unless he asks me about them.

I asked him to tell me when and if he misses me. He said I'd notice. I told him I wanted to hear it and he said he would tell me. As I was leaving his house, I said one more thing: he should think very carefully about what he is about to throw away.

For now, what is there left to do but wait? Hurt and wait and hope for the best?

Although I feel way less strong than this sentence would indicate, it fits the situation very well. It is all so unfair.

A small, bittersweet step

Shortly after my last post ("The" wedding dress), things started outgrowing me. I've been reading and talking about it, and I feel I couldn't keep it in any longer: the presence of the wedding dress had become too much to take.

So I brought it up to him.

I tried the practical approach, saying that within a few years of the dress being there, it will be damaged beyond repair, and he needed to conserve it if it means that much to him, and if he wanted his daughter to be able to perhaps wear it one day.

Turns out he's actually not saving it for his daughter, he said she'd probably never grow attached to it emotionally and he couldn't see her wanting to wear it for her wedding day. He's keeping it put because he doesn't want to take it down, he likes it there.

Then I said, in a honest but loving way, it was bothering me and making me feel like the past was still very much present.

I also said that to me, the dress seemed like a physical barrier reinforcing his psychological barrier of not wanting anyone to be in that top-notch spot in his heart, and that it was a kind of "in my face" with regards to him being unsure he'd ever marry again.

I was crying by then. He said there was no need to cry, and that he didn't understand how it bothered me that much. "It has nothing to do with you" he said. He has never as much as thought of taking it down, and for the moment being he wouldn't do it.

That evolved into us talking about marriage and children again. He said there was still that "extra" something missing from our relationship. He knows how far my feelings for him have grown, and says he is not quite there yet.

He said he's very aware of my desire to get married, and to have children also. And that he also knows I have come to see him as a man I would go down that road with. Because of this, he sometimes feels like he's leading me on, but at other times he feels like it could really work out.

He's always said he'd do those things again with the right person, if everything feels right. But we're missing a component here that makes him fear we might have to end it at one point because he needs to be all-in to do those things, and I won't settle for less either.

I was feeling sad, but also very strong on letting him know that I was willing to be patient and understanding, but the moment things stop moving forward and I have to put his feelings before mine, I would end it.

So I said, without sugarcoating it, that in my opinion, that "component" missing still, was the past still occupying part of his present (I could make this into a linguistic issue again, but I'm not going to!) I bluntly said he had not let go, and therefore there wasn't any room for me. And however slow that process may be, if I don't get the feeling he's willing to go through it and work on it, I am not going to be the one fighting his past. I don't want to feel like I'm "the other woman", because I've been there and done that and if there's anything I learned from my mistakes it was to never go there again.

Tereza's feelings wouldn't be hurt by removing the dress and the pictures (which I added to the discussion, while we were at it), because she's gone. But if they weren't removed even when explicitly stating it as something that hurt me more and more, I would know he isn't ready yet to move on with me, so I'd have to step away. I rephrased that to him as saying "I'd have to reevaluate our relationship".

He concurred that he may not be ready. That he probably hasn't let go yet, and wasn't ready to think of another woman occupying "that" first place. His emotions aren't ready for moving on in the whole sense of the word (i.e. starting a future all-in, not like the past was never there, but like the present is to be his future). And he also admitted marriage and children were not yet on his mind.

It definitely was tough hearing this. It's nothing new but I had expected him to be more understanding of this particular issue I had with the dress. To get into all the rest of insecurities wasn't helping either.

We sat there, at his kitchen table, opposite to one another. As I explained more why the dress bothered me, and reiterated that I'm not going to through "being second" again, he brought up the things he had changed for me, and the parts he has put a conscious effort in improving (for example, trying to anticipate more on my need for cuddling.) He also stated that he knows I'm not fully letting myself dive into this because of him holding back, and that if he would open up we could be each other's "everything". He said he wanted to but, again, wasn't there yet.

And then I heard him say something that made my tears flow even more, for various reasons. He was rather talking to himself and reflecting than directing it towards me when he said:

"However, if we were to give up on it altogether and end this, I think I would forever regret doing so, for letting you go."

He didn't know, that however different both of our perspectives are on this, I feel the exact same way. Sharing that thought made me pull up my knees to my chest on that chair in his kitchen, and I wept like a baby while I was trying to say anything to what really was a rhetoric comment.

That's when he got up, came to stand next to me, opened his arms and said "come, let me hug you". I was feeling so torn that I shook my head, and hugged my knees instead. If he wasn't willing to make this "sacrifice" for me and take down the dress, he wouldn't have to try to appease me with smaller gestures of love he knows I like.

He stood there, still open-armed, and by the look of his face he was genuinely wanting to hug me, not just because I was in desperate need of one. He gently took my elbow and pulled it towards him.

I got up, and he grabbed me tight. I let the tears flow freely in his neck, and I felt almost like it would be our last comforting hug.

He was stroking my back and kissed my hair when he said softly "If it really causes you that much pain to have the dress there, I will take it down this week"

I didn't know what to respond, so I just kept crying, for different reasons now. After a while I lifted my head from his neck and said "But I thought... Are you serious, you'll do that for me?" It may sound more enthusiastic on paper, but my tone of voice was "surprise", with a hint of disbelief.

He looked at me and said "Yes, I'll do that for you". And then he quickly dropped the romanticisms and became his uplifting self when he said "well don't ask me when or how, and don't go asking me about it every day, but I'll get it done, I promise." Added by a joking "don't you pass a dry cleaner's on your way to work?"

I sat down again, wiped my tears, and said that I wasn't going to touch that dress. Even though Tereza can't feel anymore, to me that would be disrespectful. Also, and I didn't say this out loud, I want him to do it. Follow through with his promise to me, perhaps do a little soul-searching and grieving while at it. Give the dress a place in his attic (boxed up please!), and Tereza a less prominent place in his heart.

He said he'd probably ask his mom to take it to the dry cleaner's, because he has a busy week ahead. All fine by me, but by Saturday next week, if that dress isn't gone, I will have to start to "reevaluate our relationship".

And while he was thinking his mom would be best for the job, he said he'd ask a friend of Tereza's to clean out "the picture cabinet". It's where she had kept all the photos (actually developed on paper), albums, cards, etc. I discovered it by accident, and he never goes through it but he said it would be time that gets cleaned out as well.

He did add he wanted something special to be made of it, like an album or a collage for Nala, but even though I wanted to shout "no more shrines", I let it slide. He did name a couple of people fit for the job, and actually "discarded" some of them (like her best friend ever) on the grounds of "being too emotional" or "still too attached to Tereza". Practical as he is, he wants to get the job done without too much sentimentality.

Some pictures that are on display he doesn't even want to argue about, they're staying up (one on his laptop-background, and a black and white one of Tereza and Nala as a baby, on an easel), but the wedding picture, a wedding-gift canvas with well-wishings and a big picture of them kissing in the middle, and a few more he said could go. I hope he does that himself.

For now, I'm again hopeful. But there are short-term conditions that need to be fulfilled, or the long-term conditions won't even be worth worrying about. Once the dress is gone, I can get back to worrying about those, as he reopened that box of Pandora.

But I hope that making this sacrifice for me will make him close a bit of the box of Tereza.

My dog Lola on the beach, watching the sun set. It's a routine that all of us have become used to and perhaps appreciate less than we should, because how wonderful isn't it that everytime the sun sets, we know it will rise again the very next day?