A small, bittersweet step

Shortly after my last post ("The" wedding dress), things started outgrowing me. I've been reading and talking about it, and I feel I couldn't keep it in any longer: the presence of the wedding dress had become too much to take.

So I brought it up to him.

I tried the practical approach, saying that within a few years of the dress being there, it will be damaged beyond repair, and he needed to conserve it if it means that much to him, and if he wanted his daughter to be able to perhaps wear it one day.

Turns out he's actually not saving it for his daughter, he said she'd probably never grow attached to it emotionally and he couldn't see her wanting to wear it for her wedding day. He's keeping it put because he doesn't want to take it down, he likes it there.

Then I said, in a honest but loving way, it was bothering me and making me feel like the past was still very much present.

I also said that to me, the dress seemed like a physical barrier reinforcing his psychological barrier of not wanting anyone to be in that top-notch spot in his heart, and that it was a kind of "in my face" with regards to him being unsure he'd ever marry again.

I was crying by then. He said there was no need to cry, and that he didn't understand how it bothered me that much. "It has nothing to do with you" he said. He has never as much as thought of taking it down, and for the moment being he wouldn't do it.

That evolved into us talking about marriage and children again. He said there was still that "extra" something missing from our relationship. He knows how far my feelings for him have grown, and says he is not quite there yet.

He said he's very aware of my desire to get married, and to have children also. And that he also knows I have come to see him as a man I would go down that road with. Because of this, he sometimes feels like he's leading me on, but at other times he feels like it could really work out.

He's always said he'd do those things again with the right person, if everything feels right. But we're missing a component here that makes him fear we might have to end it at one point because he needs to be all-in to do those things, and I won't settle for less either.

I was feeling sad, but also very strong on letting him know that I was willing to be patient and understanding, but the moment things stop moving forward and I have to put his feelings before mine, I would end it.

So I said, without sugarcoating it, that in my opinion, that "component" missing still, was the past still occupying part of his present (I could make this into a linguistic issue again, but I'm not going to!) I bluntly said he had not let go, and therefore there wasn't any room for me. And however slow that process may be, if I don't get the feeling he's willing to go through it and work on it, I am not going to be the one fighting his past. I don't want to feel like I'm "the other woman", because I've been there and done that and if there's anything I learned from my mistakes it was to never go there again.

Tereza's feelings wouldn't be hurt by removing the dress and the pictures (which I added to the discussion, while we were at it), because she's gone. But if they weren't removed even when explicitly stating it as something that hurt me more and more, I would know he isn't ready yet to move on with me, so I'd have to step away. I rephrased that to him as saying "I'd have to reevaluate our relationship".

He concurred that he may not be ready. That he probably hasn't let go yet, and wasn't ready to think of another woman occupying "that" first place. His emotions aren't ready for moving on in the whole sense of the word (i.e. starting a future all-in, not like the past was never there, but like the present is to be his future). And he also admitted marriage and children were not yet on his mind.

It definitely was tough hearing this. It's nothing new but I had expected him to be more understanding of this particular issue I had with the dress. To get into all the rest of insecurities wasn't helping either.

We sat there, at his kitchen table, opposite to one another. As I explained more why the dress bothered me, and reiterated that I'm not going to through "being second" again, he brought up the things he had changed for me, and the parts he has put a conscious effort in improving (for example, trying to anticipate more on my need for cuddling.) He also stated that he knows I'm not fully letting myself dive into this because of him holding back, and that if he would open up we could be each other's "everything". He said he wanted to but, again, wasn't there yet.

And then I heard him say something that made my tears flow even more, for various reasons. He was rather talking to himself and reflecting than directing it towards me when he said:

"However, if we were to give up on it altogether and end this, I think I would forever regret doing so, for letting you go."

He didn't know, that however different both of our perspectives are on this, I feel the exact same way. Sharing that thought made me pull up my knees to my chest on that chair in his kitchen, and I wept like a baby while I was trying to say anything to what really was a rhetoric comment.

That's when he got up, came to stand next to me, opened his arms and said "come, let me hug you". I was feeling so torn that I shook my head, and hugged my knees instead. If he wasn't willing to make this "sacrifice" for me and take down the dress, he wouldn't have to try to appease me with smaller gestures of love he knows I like.

He stood there, still open-armed, and by the look of his face he was genuinely wanting to hug me, not just because I was in desperate need of one. He gently took my elbow and pulled it towards him.

I got up, and he grabbed me tight. I let the tears flow freely in his neck, and I felt almost like it would be our last comforting hug.

He was stroking my back and kissed my hair when he said softly "If it really causes you that much pain to have the dress there, I will take it down this week"

I didn't know what to respond, so I just kept crying, for different reasons now. After a while I lifted my head from his neck and said "But I thought... Are you serious, you'll do that for me?" It may sound more enthusiastic on paper, but my tone of voice was "surprise", with a hint of disbelief.

He looked at me and said "Yes, I'll do that for you". And then he quickly dropped the romanticisms and became his uplifting self when he said "well don't ask me when or how, and don't go asking me about it every day, but I'll get it done, I promise." Added by a joking "don't you pass a dry cleaner's on your way to work?"

I sat down again, wiped my tears, and said that I wasn't going to touch that dress. Even though Tereza can't feel anymore, to me that would be disrespectful. Also, and I didn't say this out loud, I want him to do it. Follow through with his promise to me, perhaps do a little soul-searching and grieving while at it. Give the dress a place in his attic (boxed up please!), and Tereza a less prominent place in his heart.

He said he'd probably ask his mom to take it to the dry cleaner's, because he has a busy week ahead. All fine by me, but by Saturday next week, if that dress isn't gone, I will have to start to "reevaluate our relationship".

And while he was thinking his mom would be best for the job, he said he'd ask a friend of Tereza's to clean out "the picture cabinet". It's where she had kept all the photos (actually developed on paper), albums, cards, etc. I discovered it by accident, and he never goes through it but he said it would be time that gets cleaned out as well.

He did add he wanted something special to be made of it, like an album or a collage for Nala, but even though I wanted to shout "no more shrines", I let it slide. He did name a couple of people fit for the job, and actually "discarded" some of them (like her best friend ever) on the grounds of "being too emotional" or "still too attached to Tereza". Practical as he is, he wants to get the job done without too much sentimentality.

Some pictures that are on display he doesn't even want to argue about, they're staying up (one on his laptop-background, and a black and white one of Tereza and Nala as a baby, on an easel), but the wedding picture, a wedding-gift canvas with well-wishings and a big picture of them kissing in the middle, and a few more he said could go. I hope he does that himself.

For now, I'm again hopeful. But there are short-term conditions that need to be fulfilled, or the long-term conditions won't even be worth worrying about. Once the dress is gone, I can get back to worrying about those, as he reopened that box of Pandora.

But I hope that making this sacrifice for me will make him close a bit of the box of Tereza.

My dog Lola on the beach, watching the sun set. It's a routine that all of us have become used to and perhaps appreciate less than we should, because how wonderful isn't it that everytime the sun sets, we know it will rise again the very next day?

Online dating, or how we met

On online dating

While pretty common in other countries like the US, the online dating thing is really much of a taboo still in Belgium.

Tomas and I met online.

When telling people about how we met, the comments I receive from people in my environment most often are:

• Why would you go looking for someone online? You're pretty and smart enough to find somebody real!
• Aren't those places full of desperate/creepy people?
• How can you go on a date with someone you don't know in real life beforehand?
• Really? I wouldn't have thought of you as the kind of person that does 'that'...
• Oh, I see...... (add skeptical smirk)

Some things I've heard Tomas' friends (generally 5-10 years older than my friends) say:

• I didn't think of you as someone doing something like 'that' (referring to him)
• So what, you just spend the whole day on the net browsing chicks and trying to hit up the hot ones?
• I don't get it, you're a social person, you don't have trouble approaching women and talking to them.
• I've never heard of anybody doing that... So you like, pay to get a date?

My parents (both going on 50) actually were a lot more open-minded to it. My dad literally pulled out some US statistics on online dating (an example of which you can find here) and was all "of course, that's the modern-age way of dating!" Wasn't expecting that.

In my defense to those who were skeptical I would explain how a 22-year old (which is how old I was when I created my one and only dating profile) that spent her childhood in one country, her years of High School in another, her years of university in yet another country may have a lot of friends all over the world, but no one to hang out with from my childhood days in my home country. Ok, that's a lie, there's family and one dear friend from elementary school that I cherish and hang out with, and she knows me through and through, but as for "groups" and "cliques", they were made when I wasn't around.

With a busy job I had little free time for expanding my social circle, and a few damaging relationships that gained me nothing but heartache later, I decided to give it a go on a dating website. Initially to find whoever sharing the same interests as me (for example, I love doing concerts, but had yet to find someone into the same music to take along), but by no means convinced to find love on there.

I went on dates with 3 guys I had met online. Two of them I saw for a second date. Then I declined the third date. Various reasons, mainly just desperate, creepy not my thing.

Tomas had his family life, his friends, his wife's friends and their mutual friends, playing soccer on Sundays, and then leading his business. When his wife came to pass, he just kept on doing everything he used to do, but with two instead of three. Brunches, parties, weekends, dinners, weddings; he always gets invited and tries going to all of them, but he is exclusively surrounded by people in their early thirties, having families and an established lifestyle. It's a closed circle of acquaintances where it's hard to get to meet new people. There aren't any bachelors to go out with and have crazy nights, and everybody (including himself) has kids at home so very few outings last long enough to expand his social circle. That's why he signed up for a dating site. For like a million of them, actually. Not desperate or creepy at all... Right?

Now as to how we met exactly

On the website I was on (meetic.be) girls can use most options for free, guys have to pay to even display their picture. He had paid for a three-month membership, and during day two of that membership he caught me online.

I would've never been suggested to him by the page itself, as I didn't fit the age in his "what are you looking for"-list. He had listed 25-35 as his age category, but I just happened to be on the "online" list, he saw my picture and thought my profile was interesting enough to chat. He later on admitted that if I would've been 23, he would've never even thought of chatting with me; 10 years of difference was the max stretch in age he'd feel comfortable with. So it sort of was "the right place, the right time" kind of thing.

Checking his profile, I saw he stated to have a 3-year old kid that lived with him, but no word on the mother. His relationship status was left blank. My past relationship experiences made me think of two possibilities: he's in a nasty divorce OR he's married and looking for some fooling around.

We just chatted away, general chit-chat, getting along and sharing a laugh. There was a nice flow. He invited me over to come have a drink that same night, after he had put his daughter to sleep. Just a friendly drink, no date, no strings attached. I was confused about his straight-forwardness, so I decided to be straight-forward as well: is there a wife or ex-wife involved? I didn't want to get into that again, and I told him clearly that if so, no way in the world would I ever come over.

There wasn't, he said. So, what's the deal, I asked. I'll tell you when you come over, it's something I'd rather tell in person to avoid easy judgments. I doubted, kind of foreseeing what option there was left that I overlooked before. I couldn't know for sure, but either way, the 3 year old daughter gave me food for thought too. I was definitely not up for any children of my own yet, leave alone someone else's.

He said he was a slow typer, and that if we'd be chatting online, we might as well do it in person and get that awkward "I've known you online but what if you're different in real life"-thing out of the way. He was new to the online dating scene but he'd rather have somebody real to share a glass of wine with on the porch. So he was trying to convince me, slightly pushy but in a fun-loving way. I declined, for that night.

He gave me all his details so I could contact him for next day, if I was up for it. Just a casual drink. I didn't want the pressure I'd felt during my previous dates with people I met online ("this is a date and we're both looking for a relationship here") and I felt with Tomas there wouldn't be this pressure. He was too straight-forward and didn't take himself too serious on anything that I actually felt it might just be fun. It had been a while since the last time I just had a drink with a friend and talked, so I figured why not. The day after having met online, I went to his house with a bottle of wine (red wine from Spain, of course).

For the record, I didn't sleep over that night! We did have a great evening where we clicked, we both laughed and shared interesting stories. Also, his daughter hadn't been able to sleep (it was a hot summer night) so I found myself having a glass of wine on his porch and his daughter playing with her dolls next to us, when he told me the deal with the mother of his child. I had caught a glimpse of a wedding picture on the way through to the porch, so it wasn't exactly a surprise anymore when he told me she had passed away 3 years ago.

He said he didn't want to say that on the internet, because he felt it would rather scare off people and not give him an equal chance to get to know someone. He hated pity too. He was quite fine. And he sounded fine when telling the whole thing. He had just carried on with his life, which is what he had to do, he says.

I agreed to see him again, and off took the relationship.

He still jokingly says he has yet to figure out whether that his membership was the biggest waste of money or the biggest investment online ever.

There's a first time for everything

At my young age, I often feel like I've lived more than my years account for.

Living internationally has a way of maturing people. Taking on relationships that aren't presented on a silver platter do too.

I feel like I've done it all:

• long-term
• long distance
• one-night stand
• an affair with a married man
• a relationship with a father of 2 in the middle of a nasty divorce
• relationships with up to 15 years of difference in age
• a relationship with an alcoholic

Some of these, by the way, apply to just one ex-boyfriend, it's not like I've had as many boyfriends as there are items on the list. Oh and the affair: I was young, stupid, and feeling unloved. Definitely not proud of that one.

Most of them I regret, partially or completely, and while they lasted they showed me new lows of the human psyche, including my own. Most of them taught me something. Sometimes futile things, sometimes lessons I consider valuable for future reference. But all of them have shaped me into being the way I am, who I am, for better or for worse.

About 5 months ago, a new kind of relationship presented itself to me. So.. I didn't do it all yet?

I will change names for privacy; references as to where I got these names and why I picked them are at the bottom of this post.

So, the new relationship..  Tomas is 34, and has a 3 year old daughter, Nala.

Tomas' wife, whom we'll call Tereza, passed away suddenly in December 3 years ago, leaving behind the man she had been with for 10 years, and their then 3 month old baby. She was only 27 at the time.

Not only a full-time father, the owner of a busy business, but also a widower. Relationship-wise, there's a "first" I hadn't seen coming. In the past I've always embraced difficult situations as "ever overcomeable through effort and love", but that hasn't proved so successful thus far. Will it be different this time?

My first time in the Sierra Madrileña, the mountains of Madrid, Spain

I decided on writing this blog to tell my story as we go along (5 months will be recapped in the next posts), in the hope that writing it all down will bring some relief and clarity during my struggles, as well as his and ours. It is definitely not easy or like any other relationship I've been in.

I've read through forums and posts on the Internet about dating a widower, many recognisable stories and issues, yet all different in some way. As each story is unique, I decided to tell mine (not wanting to spam yet another forum thread), and perhaps it will encourage people to tell me more about theirs, maybe provide tips and support (things hard to come by in a situation like this.) Or, it could help people going through something similar find those things through my story. I believe open communication is the key, in the relationship itself as with outsiders. 

Tomas is not much of a talker when it comes to feelings, making it all the harder to cope, so what better than the Internet to have open communication with people that know what it's like to be in my shoes, or his shoes for that matter? Maybe that will help me find peace of mind at the times he's just not up for it. Or maybe just writing it down in itself may take quite a load off my shoulders.

We'll see. I've always wanted to write a blog, but never found the ideas coherent enough to create something I'd be interested in following myself. Now I have a theme, an objective, a reason to write. So I started writing, that's a start, and also a first - my first blog post ever.

Talk to you soon.

Notes: 

Tomáš is one of the main characters in my favourite book - The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. Maybe I'll do a post on this later on, it's a great book and the character in some ways does resemble my boyfriend.

Tereza is Tomas' young wife in the same novel. But as far as I know, this is where all resemblance between this character and the real life deceased wife ends.

Nala is definitely a Disney reference, in case you were wondering. Actually I was thinking of Simba rather, seeing as he lost his father as a cub, but he's a male so I picked his lady-friend Nala to use for a pseudonym.