When fear becomes reality

As of Sunday, Tomas and I are on a break.

Valentine's Day went well, he didn't get me any presents but he surprised me with a candlelight dinner and he cooked one of my favourite meals. And he promised me an elaborate massage for one of the following days.

I had only received the smaller pictures I had ordered by then, but he liked them and we put them in the frames that same day. He was curious for the collages, even excited I may say. We had a nice night, although after some wine we started talking about the future. Or lack thereof.

He talked about his fear for commitment, which has surfaced now that after almost 8 months I've come closer than anyone besides Tereza. He is convinced I will walk out at one point, like, according to him, "everyone does sooner or later". We talked for a long time and before going to bed I assured him I wouldn't walk out on him ever, unless he starts acting like an utter jackass of course (someone had to lighten the mood..) He hugged me and grabbed me tight, gave me a couple of soft kisses, I guess in appreciation of what I said. I felt all was good, still a long road to go, but spending more time apart made the moments together wonderful.


Saturday we had 2 couples over for dinner, two of Tereza's best friends and their partners. Great people, we had a lot of fun, and after dinner we went out to a concert/party being held not too far.

We had a blast. We were dancing, laughing, talking, just enjoying ourselves. Both of Tereza's friends told me (seperately) how happy we seemed, and how glad they were to see Tomas like this. They hadn't seen him like this since Tereza. They were genuinely happy for us and talked about what a great match we were.

Later on I learned they had talked to him too and said the same, and he agreed that things were really working out and he was glad to have found me.

All good, and I felt like it was another night that we spent like a happy couple, and I saw a bright future ahead. Until we got into the car. And then the flood came.

By the time we got home, he was basically breaking up with me.

I couldn't believe what was happening. I cried and cried and cried. I felt like my heart was being ripped out and a bulldozer was passing back and forth over it. Things were going so well, how did this happen?

As I've heard from other ladies dating a widower, this isn't unusual to happen. The widower thinks he's ready to move on with someone new, starts dating, things become serious and he convinces the new woman that he is ready (and he truly thinks he is too), and when that someone is finally convinced he may be really ready, they open their hearts to him and basically go for it.

And then fear strikes. Panic. Guilt. Doubt. Grief. They crawl back into their shell.

This is exactly what happened. He is no longer sure he can build a new future with someone, for the moment being. He is no longer sure he is ready. He is no longer sure that he will eventually fall madly in love with me, if by now it hasn't happened yet. He is no longer sure he can continue doing this without feeling 100% committed.

Four months ago he was the one convincing ME this would work out, that I shouldn't doubt, why, because he didn't. We weren't there yet, but he felt like he could get there with me. I wasn't in for the 150% I usually put in a committed relationship, because although he had convinced me, there was always a little voice in the back of my head telling me to be cautious. But with all the things we went through and the progress we made, I was at 100% of giving myself to him.

And then he shuts down. He cares deeply about me, and he hates to hurt me. But he can't do it. And, honest as he is, he says that although he thinks of me as his partner in all ways, he thinks this on a day-to-day basis. And he can't seem to pull away from that short-term notion, therefore he fears I will evolve to be his friend-with-benefits sooner or later. He doesn't find that fair to me (damn right), or to himself.

He is fully aware that all evolution stops at his inability to commit to the long-term and his failure to open up.

I tried to convince him like he convinced me over and over some time ago.

Especially because I wasn't demanding more time apart, but he needed it so I gave it to him for our relationship's sake, and appreciated the decision. I was understanding and patient, and in hindsight it was the best thing we could do. It brought about a real improvement in our relationship. We really clicked and I could do nothing but trust this was going well and definitely headed in the right direction.

He had removed the dress at my request, and he was actively involving me in all areas in his life. No major changes, but I felt in every way like I was his partner. And I felt happy by his side, confident in the progress and our future together. We were doing all the right things.

It is rather simple now. He hasn't grieved enough, and didn't think this through. I think if I achieved anything by trying to convince him, it is that we are now on a break instead of broken up.

He says he needs time to figure out how he really feels. It is heart-wrecking but I can't distract him from that. He needs to figure out where he is at in his own mind and heart, something he never took the time to do.

From the days we spent apart, he felt like it really wouldn't be so hard for him to go back to his life before me. Talk about a bullet to the heart. He now wants to have some (more) space, time and solemnity to see whether he will miss me and whether he has more feelings for me than meet the eye. Whether he can put his feelings for Tereza where they belong, in the past, and his feelings for me in the present, all in.

I foreshadowed in my post Save the date how Tereza's birthday would be way harder on him than her day of death in December, that I needed to brace myself for that one. And guess what day it is in 10 days.... She would've turned 30 this year. And that's exactly what he calls it, her 30th birthday. I will write more on this later on, but undoubtedly this has been a mayor trigger for his sudden fall-back.

This period of time I will need to work on myself, getting healthy and strong on my own. I have to let go for now, which is harder than I ever imagined because I can't get rid of the hope that everything will work out fine, just like he promised me and just like it felt we were getting to. It is truly tearing me apart.

I don't only miss him more than ever, I am hurt to see him take so many steps back at once and pull me right under. I also don't know what attitude to have when he does contact me or if we were to see each other. Do I show him my love and hope, so it might argue in my favor? Or do I show I am hurt and angry, so he really gets a feel of what life would be without me?

I have no idea. I honestly don't know what to do, think, feel or say.

He said it's not goobye, and he would be in touch anyway (it's been close to 48hrs now though). He said his door was open for me and anything I needed, he wasn't going to drop me like a brick, and I could contact him whenever. When I asked what I should do with the collages for Valentine's, he said he would very much like to see them and have them, I should come drop them off whenever I want. I received them by mail yesterday, and they made me cry. They're in my car, but I'm holding on to them unless he asks me about them.

I asked him to tell me when and if he misses me. He said I'd notice. I told him I wanted to hear it and he said he would tell me. As I was leaving his house, I said one more thing: he should think very carefully about what he is about to throw away.

For now, what is there left to do but wait? Hurt and wait and hope for the best?

Although I feel way less strong than this sentence would indicate, it fits the situation very well. It is all so unfair.

My own Valentine's Day

In Belgium, and I believe in most of Europe, the celebration of Valentine's Day doesn't go way back.

It's been commercialised over the last 10-15, maybe 20 years or so, and stores, brands and by extent "the people" have tagged along. It has nothing to do with European traditions or culture, it's just another asset for a society built on consumerism.

I've never celebrated Valentine's Day with any of my previous boyfriends. With exception of my 7-year relationship with the Spanish guy, I actually never had a boyfriend on the 14th of February. During that long-term relationship we both agreed not to do anything special on that day, we were still young and rebellious (and rather limited financially) and did not want the mainstream to determine when to emphasize our love.

With Tomas, I have taken I slightly different stand. I have no idea whether he celebrated it with Tereza, and as far as I know he shares my idea of that it's just another day where we're peer-pressured into buying each other gifts.

He has, however, mentioned it sometime last year, in the context of "gah, another day I'll have to go looking for a gift". We didn't discuss it at all back then, but I assumed it was something he considered a necessary evil, and he dreaded it a bit.

We did Christmas gifts, which we exchanged on New Year's eve (he went out and bought mine literally on December 29th), so I figured we'd do this as well.

Now with the date coming up, I believe we'll go out to dinner, and I've thought of a nice present for him too. When I told him I'd get him a present he said I didn't need to do that, that he couldn't be bothered to participate actively in all that and go get me one. I said it doesn't need to be much, flowers or chocolate will do (however much that's unlike me). He mumbled a bit, but he knows know that I'll expect something. It's up to him to not disappoint me.

I've taken my precautions for possible disappointment, and what he doesn't know is that my present for him actually is a present for me too.

As I've mentioned before, he gave me permission to take down most of Tereza's pictures that were scattered around the house, from collages to frames and everything. There's still some very emblematic ones up, like their wedding picture or a canvas with both of them kissing, surrounded by well-wishings for their wedding. Although he has said I could take those down too, I feel he needs to take those down, not me.

He has also half-jokingly mentioned that if I'm bothered by them, besides taking them down I should put pictures of me and him up.

Now seems like a great time to do that! I'm ordering a few collages online, where you use a background picture and are able to surround it with as many smaller pictures as you like and they print it on photo-paper in the size you like.

I've decided to take our pictures from our trip to Kenya and make a collage of some of the awesome places and animals we saw, and make another one with pictures of us while we were there.

Yes, we definitely went horseback-riding amongst the wildlife. Who would not want a picture of that.

It'll be up to him to put them up, but I can't imagine him just letting them lie around, as I know he really likes some of the pictures. I'm ordering a couple separate pictures of us as well he can then put in the empty frames he has stored.

I would really like to see the pictures on display, as we have good memories from them, and on a somewhat selfish note, I would love the recognition. When he has friends or family over they will not only see pictures of him and Tereza, but they will see some of him and me too in prominent places and probably ask about them, engaging in conversation about our trip, bringing back the good memories. It will be a silent signal of progress and in a way, it's creating myself a place in his life.

I admit, my underlying intentions are a tad egocentrical and may come off to some as "pushy", but I feel it's a nice way of moving forward without asking him to undertake anything. He just has to go with it, which I think he will as he was the one suggesting it. Although, I doubt he thought I would actually do it!

So it's a surprise in many ways, and I'm really curious to see his reaction. Even if he decides to be stubborn and not get me anything, I won't be bothered for long as I'll enjoy my own gift to him just as much. 

I never thought Valentine's Day could be more than a tool for economy, yet here I am giving it a whole new purpose!

Time and space

Tomas and I have agreed on spending less time together. Nothing too drastical, and substantially it doesn't mean our relationship should be any different, but it will create a time and space for introspection and evaluation.

In retrospect, the four days I had left and came back only when the dress had gone, have been an eye-opener.

We were moving too fast, and he needs more space. More than I do, definitely, but I need the space too to get myself straightened out and be the strong and independent woman I know I can be. No lesser version of me can deal with this relationship, or life in general (or at least not in a satisfactory way).


Rewind a week, when I didn't have the energy or the mindset to find words to post anything more than a quick update.

The night I came back after the dress had gone, we went out to dinner, and he told me about everything he had realized during the time we were apart. Many harsh truths, amongst them he told me he had even considered breaking up. He felt smothered by my presence and was worried I would not be able to take a step back in our relationship and slow things down so he had thought of breaking up as a last resort.

Less obvious to me during the last month or so, when he explained it to me I realised he was right. It was like we were practically living together, and neither him or our relationship are ready for that yet. He has been living by himself with his daughter for nearly three years before meeting me, and he was not ready to give up his routines, his habits and his solitary moments. Also because I make myself noted in a household and he is a quirky man, but really it has to do more with him not being ready yet to completely move on.

He explained there had been times over the past weeks where he knew I needed certain things from him (whether it be affection, communication, or just for him to take out the trash that my beloved dog would mercilessly go through if it stayed there any longer) and he couldn't fulfill my needs. Didn't know how, couldn't be bothered or just felt my change of attitude but didn't know what it was I needed. A variety of failures on his behalf that he recognised, but were now explained by realizing we were moving too fast.

And then he dropped the double-edged sword "you are the right girl at the wrong time" on me. He wants to be able to give me everything I need and when I need it, but he can't yet. He is not ready to have someone be "his everything" again, however much he wants it. And he knows I deserve no less than that, therefore he went into asking me if I would be able to wait that undefined period of time, if I wouldn't be better off just finding someone else that provided me more certainty and reassurance. Summarizing, why on earth I chose and was still willing to choose to stick with him.

Many questions that I've been asked by several other people before. I don't have an exact answer, saying "I love him" doesn't quite do it either. The dress is gone, he did that just for me. The fact we were still sitting there and we were actually communicating our needs and feelings, backs my motto of "where there's a will, there is a way." He would be my perfect match if only he were to open up and let it all in.

Although all the harsh and truthful things he said did hurt me, it made me appreciate him for making clear to me where he was at, and what he needed to hopefully get to the next stage. Because that's what he wants too, so he can give me what I need and no less than what I deserve. But it wasn't working out like this. He needs space, and by extent, time.

A few days later he told me that if I wouldn't have understood that, he would've probably called it quits. He can deal with subtle nodges in the right direction, even handling deal-breakers like the dress, but he couldn't put up with me imposing myself on him and his daily life this fast, this soon. 

And I actually did understand. Time and space would be good for me too, actually. To regain independence but also to stop focussing on the little things and focus on the whole. Mainly, why we are in a relationship to begin with. Being constantly involved in what he still considers "his territory" didn't only bring about annoyance when our personalities would clash, it also made me disconnect with my own haven, my mental safe place.

My actions and feelings at the moment were constantly influenced by me worrying more about what I (or him) would be doing and feeling in some time. I couldn't enjoy the present anymore because I worried too much about the future, or even the hypothetical future (the dreaded "what ifs").

I feel like giving ourselves some time apart will make us appreciate more the time we spend together, and will be an asset to our communication, which will eventually help us grow together. He wouldn't have been able to even communicate about this if he hadn't had the time to think it through without being pressured into it, and determine what he was feeling and thinking. And things would've probably exploded rather sooner than later through miscommunication and our strong personalities.

For all clarity, we still are as exclusive and as serious as we were before. He would've given up way before if he didn't want to meet those standards, and I wouldn't want any less either. He just needs more time for plowing through his own grief and adaptation process, and getting where both him and I want him to be, although realistically speaking, that remains a hope and a goal, not a certainty.

Sometimes I want to be like my dog. She never thinks about tomorrow and just enjoys life today. I believe it's a gift.

Instead of spending one night at my place on average, I will be spending a three night minimum at my place. We've fixed days of the week on which to do that, so there is no reason to feel insecure all day because of "what will happen" later (this would take place in my head exclusively, he worries less than me by a thousand). Now I will spend Mondays, Thursdays and Sundays at my place, almost unnegotiable.

Not easy to do for me. I had easily adapted to his place (with the dress gone it will be even easier to feel like a home), his routine and his company, and it's been years since I lived all alone. 

My dog is still with me, of course, and I know already I'll just fall asleep on the couch snuggling up to her instead of going up to my bed by myself most of the nights. But that's OK. If I didn't have a boyfriend I would be "the dog lady" anyway, and probably have a couple more shelter dogs under my care by now. That's still my plan B actually, in case things take a turn for worse.

I struggle each night I'm by myself, because my thoughts will not quit pondering and inciting anxiety out of thin air. If Tomas is not there (whether it be physically or platonically, by text or phone) it's almost impossible to distract myself or hide from all of the "what ifs" this world harbours and my head becomes the national top-notch breeding ground for brooding thoughts.

This has been truly exhausting, both physically and emotionally, and has been showing its effects in all areas of my daily life. I need to get past that myself, and although Tomas' issues aren't helping, he himself has little or no share in my at times poor emotional condition.

As someone amazing who's helped me through some of the dark moments of being alone with my thoughts said: this time and space we give ourselves will be beneficial to us, to appreciate more the moments we spend together, to him so he can organize his thoughts and have solemn moments to process everything and move only forward, and to me, so I can work on winning myself back from the claws of neediness and insecurity and becoming the version of me that would make him fall in love.

You know who you are :)

Open the communication gates, flood the mind.

A lot of things have changed since I spent 4 days of minimum contact and not seeing Tomas.

He promised to take down the dress by Wednesday, yesterday, and I would not come back until it was gone.

Yesterday we had a long, serious talk, which I'm not sharing for the moment being as I have not yet found a way to put it into a coherent story, or figured out my stand in it.

As he's trying to figure out himself, I'm trying to figure things out for myself, and we're trying to figure out our relationship, I think things never have been harder emotionally, especially on me, having a mind that wanders more than I can sometimes handle. Not much of our talk had to do with the actual dress or the emotions involved with that, because those seemed trivial to other issues on Tomas' behalf.

The communication gates have opened and most of it doesn't exactly give reasons to celebrate, but we are communicating and trying to figure out things from here.

And on an absolutely positive note, if there is one thing that does give a reason to celebrate, the dress as of yesterday has gone. I can walk upstairs again free of ghosts.

A wolf in sheep's clothing

Tomas was in a bad and distant mood all of Saturday.

The week had gone by, the dress was still there, and although technically he still had Sunday to take care of it, I knew it wasn't going to happen.

I'd been at the top of my nerves all week, having several breakdowns over unrelated issues that became magnified by the continued presence of the dress. I showed a side of mine that I usually try to supress as much as I can, the clingy, needy and insecure side of me. Again, intensified.

Friday I was distant and even a little apathic (on the surface!) to him. He actually came around and gave me some of his rare spontaneous cuddles and honest affection. He didn't connect the dots though.

I was thinking of drawing my conclusions on Sunday, at the official week's passing. But his attitude towards me on Saturday made me not be able to hold it any longer. I had given him many signs and nudges towards my need for affection, and he had just ignored them, even getting snappy about stupid things.

OK, a bad mood happens to everyone, it's not something I would normally make a big deal about if it was just a one day thing. But when we were watching TV, I explicitly asked for a hug, and when he bluntly denied it to me, saying he didn't feel like it at all, my stomach turned and twisted, and I stared at him open-mouthedly. No reaction.

I sat down again, not grasping what had just happened. Another 30 minutes passed while the knot in my stomach had grown to such a size that I was surprised it didn't show on the outside. I cuddled up against him and asked him to hug me (last chance..), and this time he hugged me tight. Feeling he wasn't careless towards me, I broke down crying because I knew this would be the best moment to ask him about the dress and make a decision.

He was a bit surprised, and asked why I was crying. I asked him what he remembered of our talk last week. He said "we talked about many things..", and I replied in disbelief "are you serious?", and he replied carelessly "oh, you mean the doll?" I said "Yes (the life-like mannequin wearing the dress, yes.)"

"Why haven't you taken it down yet?" I asked.

Credits go to Kym Howard

"I haven't thought about it much, actually." and when he felt my posture stiffen he added "..and when I did think about it, it was at night (duh, you pass by it when we go to bed) and I had forgotten by the morning. Too much stuff going on this week and I didn't get around to it"

"If you would've wanted to you could've made some time for taking it down"

He shrugged and nodded.

"You know how much it meant to me..."

Silence.

I got up and said I was going home. I couldn't deal with it, whatever excuse he had, if he wanted to do it he would've done it. I told him that I couldn't be around waiting any longer, I trusted him when he set the deadline for himself and I wasn't going to sit around waiting for the next deadline, having to cross that thing every day.

I went upstairs to get my things. If my eyes could've beamed fire, I'd stared that dress into flames. I thought that having brought up the issue would result in actions that were going to make our relationship improve, for him as well as for me. Now, it had become a wolf in sheep's clothing and it was about to devour me.

But then again, it wasn't Tereza's fault. I bet she would've taken down the dress if she could. The dress had mentally moved to the background in my mind, and his attitude had become the issue. As I was thinking this, I got really sad and angry at the same time, because he hadn't moved from the couch either, so he was either not thinking I was serious, or he didn't care.

When I came downstairs with my stuff, I put them on the kitchen table. And that's when he came and stood in the doorway. He had this really innocent, surprised look, like he actually didn't know what on earth was going on. He cared, but it made me be more determined.

As I was gathering more things he asked a bit uncertain whether I was taking all my stuff with me.

I said "no, because I'm hoping to come back soon. I want to be with you. But this is a boundary I've set for myself that I need to respect in order to not go crazy while being here. I need to have a break from it, I can't deal anymore with the emotional drain"

"I want to be with you too" he said.

I kept gathering things, tears rolling from my face. I was moved by the sincerity of his tone, and I looked at him.

"Then you know what to do" I replied firmly.

He smirked.

"So what, you think this is funny or what?"

"No, not at all" he said, followed by explaining he was surprised, and had no clue how to act or what to say. He was just standing there helplessly like a child who'd been told off for something he didn't realise was wrong.

That's when I knew my actions were having their effect. He had never expected me to actually go through with leaving, and he never fully understood the importance of getting rid of the dress. It was finally dawning on him.

He came to wipe my tears.

He said he would call his mom on Monday (they were gone for the weekend) to pick up the dress on Wednesday, which is when she comes to pick up Nala too.

I said if he wanted to get it done earlier, he could just do it himself. But he'd rather have someone take care of it that knows how, he said he'd probably break it or something.

I smiled.

He said, also smiling, "so I'll be seeing you tomorrow?"

"Will the dress be gone?" I asked, cutting off the smile.

"Well no.. Not yet"

"Then be sure to let me know when it's gone"

I added that he could always come to see me at my place, but he reiterated that would be difficult with Nala and her bedtimes and going to school etc. And four days wasn't an eternity. I shrugged. He said "I'll be in touch though."

Four consecutive nights apart in a row. We've not spent more than one consecutive night apart since... I can't remember how long. At least 5 months. It will be tough, mostly on me, because I'm not used to being by myself, whereas he's spent most of his time since Tereza's passing by himself. I'm glad I have my dog to rely on, and hopefully put a halt to my mind when it goes wandering again.

Right before leaving, he held me by my waist and hugged me.

He asked if I would be OK being by myself, whether I wouldn't worry even more and feel more sad. I said I'd probably worry just as much, and perhaps feel more sad, but while staying another night might make me feel better for a bit, I also felt my anxiety would return tenfold if I didn't take some time for myself while he made things right. There was nothing for me left to do at his' for the moment being.

He looked into my eyes for a while, wiped my tears again and kissed me very gently on the mouth. He said not to worry too much, that I would be able to come back soon, and then followed by saying those magic four words I have been begging to hear spontaneously from him for months now: ik zie je graag.

A small, bittersweet step

Shortly after my last post ("The" wedding dress), things started outgrowing me. I've been reading and talking about it, and I feel I couldn't keep it in any longer: the presence of the wedding dress had become too much to take.

So I brought it up to him.

I tried the practical approach, saying that within a few years of the dress being there, it will be damaged beyond repair, and he needed to conserve it if it means that much to him, and if he wanted his daughter to be able to perhaps wear it one day.

Turns out he's actually not saving it for his daughter, he said she'd probably never grow attached to it emotionally and he couldn't see her wanting to wear it for her wedding day. He's keeping it put because he doesn't want to take it down, he likes it there.

Then I said, in a honest but loving way, it was bothering me and making me feel like the past was still very much present.

I also said that to me, the dress seemed like a physical barrier reinforcing his psychological barrier of not wanting anyone to be in that top-notch spot in his heart, and that it was a kind of "in my face" with regards to him being unsure he'd ever marry again.

I was crying by then. He said there was no need to cry, and that he didn't understand how it bothered me that much. "It has nothing to do with you" he said. He has never as much as thought of taking it down, and for the moment being he wouldn't do it.

That evolved into us talking about marriage and children again. He said there was still that "extra" something missing from our relationship. He knows how far my feelings for him have grown, and says he is not quite there yet.

He said he's very aware of my desire to get married, and to have children also. And that he also knows I have come to see him as a man I would go down that road with. Because of this, he sometimes feels like he's leading me on, but at other times he feels like it could really work out.

He's always said he'd do those things again with the right person, if everything feels right. But we're missing a component here that makes him fear we might have to end it at one point because he needs to be all-in to do those things, and I won't settle for less either.

I was feeling sad, but also very strong on letting him know that I was willing to be patient and understanding, but the moment things stop moving forward and I have to put his feelings before mine, I would end it.

So I said, without sugarcoating it, that in my opinion, that "component" missing still, was the past still occupying part of his present (I could make this into a linguistic issue again, but I'm not going to!) I bluntly said he had not let go, and therefore there wasn't any room for me. And however slow that process may be, if I don't get the feeling he's willing to go through it and work on it, I am not going to be the one fighting his past. I don't want to feel like I'm "the other woman", because I've been there and done that and if there's anything I learned from my mistakes it was to never go there again.

Tereza's feelings wouldn't be hurt by removing the dress and the pictures (which I added to the discussion, while we were at it), because she's gone. But if they weren't removed even when explicitly stating it as something that hurt me more and more, I would know he isn't ready yet to move on with me, so I'd have to step away. I rephrased that to him as saying "I'd have to reevaluate our relationship".

He concurred that he may not be ready. That he probably hasn't let go yet, and wasn't ready to think of another woman occupying "that" first place. His emotions aren't ready for moving on in the whole sense of the word (i.e. starting a future all-in, not like the past was never there, but like the present is to be his future). And he also admitted marriage and children were not yet on his mind.

It definitely was tough hearing this. It's nothing new but I had expected him to be more understanding of this particular issue I had with the dress. To get into all the rest of insecurities wasn't helping either.

We sat there, at his kitchen table, opposite to one another. As I explained more why the dress bothered me, and reiterated that I'm not going to through "being second" again, he brought up the things he had changed for me, and the parts he has put a conscious effort in improving (for example, trying to anticipate more on my need for cuddling.) He also stated that he knows I'm not fully letting myself dive into this because of him holding back, and that if he would open up we could be each other's "everything". He said he wanted to but, again, wasn't there yet.

And then I heard him say something that made my tears flow even more, for various reasons. He was rather talking to himself and reflecting than directing it towards me when he said:

"However, if we were to give up on it altogether and end this, I think I would forever regret doing so, for letting you go."

He didn't know, that however different both of our perspectives are on this, I feel the exact same way. Sharing that thought made me pull up my knees to my chest on that chair in his kitchen, and I wept like a baby while I was trying to say anything to what really was a rhetoric comment.

That's when he got up, came to stand next to me, opened his arms and said "come, let me hug you". I was feeling so torn that I shook my head, and hugged my knees instead. If he wasn't willing to make this "sacrifice" for me and take down the dress, he wouldn't have to try to appease me with smaller gestures of love he knows I like.

He stood there, still open-armed, and by the look of his face he was genuinely wanting to hug me, not just because I was in desperate need of one. He gently took my elbow and pulled it towards him.

I got up, and he grabbed me tight. I let the tears flow freely in his neck, and I felt almost like it would be our last comforting hug.

He was stroking my back and kissed my hair when he said softly "If it really causes you that much pain to have the dress there, I will take it down this week"

I didn't know what to respond, so I just kept crying, for different reasons now. After a while I lifted my head from his neck and said "But I thought... Are you serious, you'll do that for me?" It may sound more enthusiastic on paper, but my tone of voice was "surprise", with a hint of disbelief.

He looked at me and said "Yes, I'll do that for you". And then he quickly dropped the romanticisms and became his uplifting self when he said "well don't ask me when or how, and don't go asking me about it every day, but I'll get it done, I promise." Added by a joking "don't you pass a dry cleaner's on your way to work?"

I sat down again, wiped my tears, and said that I wasn't going to touch that dress. Even though Tereza can't feel anymore, to me that would be disrespectful. Also, and I didn't say this out loud, I want him to do it. Follow through with his promise to me, perhaps do a little soul-searching and grieving while at it. Give the dress a place in his attic (boxed up please!), and Tereza a less prominent place in his heart.

He said he'd probably ask his mom to take it to the dry cleaner's, because he has a busy week ahead. All fine by me, but by Saturday next week, if that dress isn't gone, I will have to start to "reevaluate our relationship".

And while he was thinking his mom would be best for the job, he said he'd ask a friend of Tereza's to clean out "the picture cabinet". It's where she had kept all the photos (actually developed on paper), albums, cards, etc. I discovered it by accident, and he never goes through it but he said it would be time that gets cleaned out as well.

He did add he wanted something special to be made of it, like an album or a collage for Nala, but even though I wanted to shout "no more shrines", I let it slide. He did name a couple of people fit for the job, and actually "discarded" some of them (like her best friend ever) on the grounds of "being too emotional" or "still too attached to Tereza". Practical as he is, he wants to get the job done without too much sentimentality.

Some pictures that are on display he doesn't even want to argue about, they're staying up (one on his laptop-background, and a black and white one of Tereza and Nala as a baby, on an easel), but the wedding picture, a wedding-gift canvas with well-wishings and a big picture of them kissing in the middle, and a few more he said could go. I hope he does that himself.

For now, I'm again hopeful. But there are short-term conditions that need to be fulfilled, or the long-term conditions won't even be worth worrying about. Once the dress is gone, I can get back to worrying about those, as he reopened that box of Pandora.

But I hope that making this sacrifice for me will make him close a bit of the box of Tereza.

My dog Lola on the beach, watching the sun set. It's a routine that all of us have become used to and perhaps appreciate less than we should, because how wonderful isn't it that everytime the sun sets, we know it will rise again the very next day?

"The" wedding dress

Tereza had the most beautiful wedding dress.

It's fairy- and princess-like but it's far from being over the top or too sugary. It's actually quite plain, a full  skirt with little details but no tail, and a corset attached to it that's romantically semi-transparent at the back. It has fine lace-flower details, that have little shiny stones on them and are placed in a way that they kind of whirl upwards toward the neckline, where they form a really fine, nice necklace.

Hard to imagine just by my description, I figure, but I would feel a bit guilty posting a picture to share with the world. Let's leave it at that it's a stylish, romantic dress, the kind I would wear too.

Tomas loves it too. So much that it's put on display on a mannequin at the staircase of the second floor of his house, shoes placed underneath and everything. Whether he placed it there or she did, I never asked, it's just there.

The first few times I slept over, to get up and pee at night was an eerie business. You have to pass by the mannequin when going from his room to the bathroom. In the dark, the white of the dress kind of glows in the dark, especially when there's moonlight coming in from outside. Not to mention a mannequin has a humanoid shape, so still drowsy from sleep my mind would have a hard time assimilating the reality of that "thing" in the corner.

Now, 6 months later, it's still there and I've gotten used to it being there. I sometimes stop to look at it, thinking it could use a trip to the dry-cleaner's as it's gotten greyish on the lace-details, and a bit dusty. When I vacuumed his house during the past holidays (he never does it and I suspect his cleaning lady often skips the "unused" corners - what man would ever notice, right?) I even lifted the skirt and the shoes to make sure all the dust and cobwebs building up underneath were gone, because I felt like no one ever did that. I've come to respect the dress like I respect Tereza, but its physical presence is also a constant reminder of her being present there once. Particularly on that day she wore it.

Tomas sees it differently. When I asked him once about whether he ever thought of moving it, he said he had, but thought it was too beautiful to put in a box. He doesn't ever stop to look at it anymore, it's become part of the house like a painting on the wall, but he does want his daughter to be able to see it. Upon that I suggested he then put it in her room, out of direct direct sight in a "common area" like the staircase and the passage way at his second floor but far from being hidden in a box. He waved away that idea. Maybe a child's room isn't fit for the deceased mother's dress, but the staircase and passage way I tread almost every night and morning is...?

We haven't gone back to discussing the dress being there, and although back then I felt like we were discussing the presence of the dress, now there are moments when I think we might have been discussing another presence. But that's just thinking in hindsight and I may be off.

When seeing pictures of their wedding day, both of them looked radiant and gorgeous. I see him on those and I think I would've fallen in love at first sight (given, he was 6 years younger than he is now, but you catch my drift.) She looks beautiful, and the dress look enchanting on her. In mint condition, too.

We were watching this American TV show where girls go on their hunt for the perfect wedding dress according to their bodies and size. I had ordered my dress for Newyear's Eve online, and I was describing it to Tomas. He said it sounded lovely, I would look nice in it. Upon seeing some of the dresses on TV he started talking about Tereza's wedding dress, telling she described it to him after she had tried it on in the store and he thought "oh god, it's going to be one of those over-the-top dresses" and he thought he wouldn't like it. Until he saw it. He found it to be the most original and most beautiful wedding dress ever.

And then he said: "you know, it actually would look really good on you too." I laughed, not really knowing how to react, and said it probably would, honestly but also lightly adding I liked it, I could even have bought it myself.

He then followed by saying: "you should try it on someday. Just for fun, to see if it fits and what you look like in it"

I didn't see THAT coming. What am I supposed to say to that? He was talking lightheartedly, but not as a joke. He actually saw some fun in me trying it on. I felt differently. Taking down or even moving that dress was one bridge too far, but his girlfriend trying on the actual dress his deceased wife wore on their wedding day was completely fine, even fun?

I must be honest and say I was truly tempted. On one hand I was curious to see how it would look on me. I had never tried on anything even close to a wedding dress, and I bet it gives a special feel. On the other hand, there would be a whole other creepy feel to it that I wasn't sure how to deal with. Either way I felt a bit honoured, sort of a like it was guilty pleasure that was granted to only me.

And then there was another aspect that made me think and rethink the idea of wearing her dress. What if he sees me in it, and while wearing it changes his mind and feel like he was disrespecting her (and me, being in the dress, his accomplice)? Or, going the other way, he sees me in it and suddenly makes a click in his head that I may one day be his beautiful bride?

OK, too many emotions and "what if's", so I decided not to wear it. For now. I may change my mind.


Ironically, some other time when I was looking for a dress to wear for a dinner with his family we were talking about a special dress they had bought for her while on vacation in Brasil. Nothing extraordinary, just a very pretty and original dress that you could wear on more festive occasions. I never saw it, because it's in one of the boxes he keeps in the attic, containing her clothes. But it came up that day and he said I would look amazing in it.

I said "oh well then perhaps I should try it on?", not entirely serious about it but hey, I was curious and it wasn't a wedding dress.

He looked at me for a bit, frowned and then shook his head "Ahm.. No. That would just be weird. You wearing the clothes she wore, it would feel wrong"

I reminded him of the wedding dress, that he wouldn't have minded that, even better, he came up with the idea himself.

"Yeah, but that's different" he said.

No more, no less. I am unable to understand his reasoning. Their vacation to Brasil was memorable, and very special and fun, and a dress might be a great memory of that, but for it to have more value than her wedding dress that is a symbol of their marriage and their wedding day? That's beyond me.

I remain baffled thinking about it, and truly have no idea what to make of it or how to feel towards it all, his suggestion to try on the wedding dress or his reaction when I suggested to try on the Brasil-bought dress. I may still try on the wedding dress, possibly only to see how he will react. Possibly to see how I would look in a wedding dress, or so he can see what I look like in one. Maybe better even, a different one?

But that's borderline my questions about marriage, which I will address in a different post.